So it’s been awhile since I have updated, but I do have updates. Plenty of them, however, let’s start with Alec. He is the most pressing issue I have on hand, and he is full of lessons I can’t seem to be capable of learning. Or maybe, I refuse to learn.
Alec is someone I met about 2 months ago through the app Hinge. We hit it off right away and have been talking ever since. We’re not exclusive, and I must admit I’ve slept with one other person since we met, but I felt so guilty for it. Why? Because when I realize I like someone, anything feels like cheating if it isn’t for them. Maybe that sounds drastic, but that is just how I’m wired. I don’t fall for people often, but when I do, I fall. Hard.
Alec is the first boy I’ve liked since Aidon. He is the first one to make me believe again that I can love someone else, and to me that means something. When we’re together he acts like a boyfriend. Kisses me every time he sees me, holds my hand when we’re out, and has met all of my friends. But then sometimes it feels like I mean nothing to him except sex.
Alec is leaving in a couple months to teach english in Japan, so whatever relationship we have is ultimately doomed, however I don’t know how to like him and not want more. I’m trying to be casual with him, my feelings, and the whole situation. This is all uncharted territory for me, yet I feel myself getting passive aggressive with him like we’re lovers and I can’t stop it.
For example, he promised he would be at my show and didn’t show up. I was extremely hurt and bummed because when you like someone, you want them to see you in your element. I wanted him to watch me perform because it meant a lot to me to be sharing my art on stage in front of people. But when he didn’t show, and gave some lame excuse he was tired, I felt myself wanting to shut down and just close him out. But I fought against it and tried to brush it all aside like I didn’t care. Is that how we have to play the love game in order to win? Pretend to be casual and not let things that hurt us actually hurt us?
He took me on a date to make up for missing my performance, and 2 glasses of wine later, we got on the topic of him leaving. One thing led to another and he admitted to me he has also been seeing other people. Immediately something in me shut off. I was hurt, and I could feel myself wanting to cry. It wasn’t directed towards just him, but I could feel the weight of his words on my shoulder like it was being pushed down by the boys of my past. I thought about Aidon and him picking Danny. I thought of every single one of my breakups and how I felt like I wasn’t enough. And now, here sitting across from me, was a boy I liked who was making me feel the exact same way all over again.
I understand he is leaving, but I don’t understand how to not have feelings. I told him I was going to hold back, that I didn’t want to get hurt, and I was afraid of him hurting me. I was being honest, but I was also scared I was being too honest. I want to be the boy who doesn’t care. The one who can hide his feelings behind nonchalant smiles and laughs. But I can’t. I don’t want to share him, and if that’s what he wants then maybe I am not the man for him right now. Is it drastic of me to want to walk away just because we can’t reach a level of monogamy? I’ve done the hook ups. I’ve played this game. I want something serious. As Carrie Bradshaw once said, I just want to be the one. Someone tell me I’m the one.
He asked me why I liked him and I never spoke about the physical. When I asked him in return, one of his responses was “sexual chemistry.” In all honesty, I’ve had better sex. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy sex with him because I really do, but I wouldn’t put sex on my list of liking someone. Maybe because I desire emotional connection more than a physical one. Physicality is easy to come by, but a heart, that’s the rare thing to find nowadays.
So what do you all think?
Should I keep seeing Alec even though it’s probably just for regular sex until he leaves and maybe I can practice falling for someone without losing myself?
Call it quits and put my focus and attention on someone who actually cares and wants a relationship because my heart has been through enough?