Today is the day I was meant to move to Australia.
I actually forgot what day I had planned, but somehow with my luck, the airline company sent me a text letting me know my itinerary was ready. You might be asking why was it was unlucky my phone did an amazing job at keeping me updated? Well, because I cancelled that flight 2 months ago. It had NO right reminding me that my love life is shit and my big life change was no longer going to happen.
It kind of felt like a slap in the face. A little way for the world to keep reminding me of my ex and how much I still miss him. To be honest, he has the most blog posts than any other guy I’ve dated. I should have written him off by now. His chapter should be done. But still, he lingers in my mind every damn day from the moment I wake up right until I fall back asleep. He’s like herpes. He flares up, goes away, and then comes back with a vengeance. I don’t actually have herpes, but it seemed like a great metaphor for what he is. He’s my own personal herpes.
It’s weird because we haven’t spoken in 2 months and I still feel connected to him. I want to hear his voice again. I want to remember the tingle in my lips when he would kiss me. I want to feel the electricity that would shoot through my body when his fingers brushed my skin. I know, I know, I know. He’s horrible. He crushed my heart and I need to let go and move on because he’s trash. But for one brief moment he was my trash, and I loved that trash dearly.
In a weird twist of fate, I’ve still yet to receive my refund for that flight. I booked it through a third party site, to save money of course because I’m a poor boy, and they have yet to process it. The kicker is that it was paid for on my exes credit card and I had sent him money via paypal for it back when we booked it. This is my last and only tie to my ex and I wonder if the universe is making me hold on because it wants to give me an excuse to talk to him again. But listen up universe if you’re reading this, I AM NOT GOING TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN EVEN THOUGH I REALLY FUCKING WANT TO.
I don’t even know what I would say, plus he doesn’t really deserve ever hearing from me again. He chose someone else. He left me to fix myself in my brokenness, and in a weird way, I’m thankful for that. He said he would always be there if I wanted to talk to him, but I don’t need him to fix me. He CAN’T fix me. I have to fix myself and that’s what I am working on. It’s painful, and the more I work on loving myself, the more I understand why people settle, why people go for easy, and why people end up with others who don’t force or challenge them to grow. It’s easy to remain the same.
I asked myself what would have taken more strength, staying and loving him despite it all or walking away and using that time to love myself. And it takes way more strength to put yourself first than it would to stay.
Loving him was easy for me. It’s what I had come to know for the majority of last year, but not once did I put any of that love towards myself. Towards my own goals and dreams. He became my dream, and how sad is it that I myself was not a part of that?
I’m struggling to figure out what it is I really want in life. Daily I now ask myself, “What does Kevin want? What is Kevin truly passionate about?” And although it’s a slow process, I’m learning and I’m growing. Each day I’m getting closer and closer to my dreams, even if maybe right now I don’t know what exactly they are.
So I may no longer be moving to Australia, but I am still moving towards something, and that’s all that matters right now.