Feelings are fickle. You never know when they’re going to show up and you’re never quite certain when they’re going to leave. And then the question remains, do they really go away or do they linger for forever?
I was at a going away party tonight for a friend who is moving to New York to pursue his dream of being on Broadway. We hadn’t spoken in long time, but I figured his party was a good excuse for me to kick my dry spell and see if he had any hot friends I could pick up on. Plus, I wanted some free food.
When I arrived at the party I immediately saw my “sassy gay best friend” Michael, and went to hangout with him since I didn’t really know anyone else. He’s not my real best friend, but that was the nickname we had for each other. We caught up on the formalities and then headed to the roof where everyone was smoking weed.
Once on the roof we started talking about the deeper more meaningful stuff. He asked me how I was doing in regards to Aidon and if I was still sad. Which, despite the clear fact I need to get the fuck over him, I am still sad. He asked what bother’s me and it was still the same stuff: the cheating, the hurt, the idea of love. I asked him if my feelings were ever going to go away and his response was, “No, but one day it just won’t hurt anymore.”
But all night I could tell something was bothering Michael, like he was withholding some lingering topic of conversation he couldn’t find a way to let out. I thought maybe he was mad at me for the night I let him go down on me when I was blackout drunk because I for sure didn’t want to let that moment give him any ideas that I was interested in more. I was simply just sad, hurting, and wanting to fill the void my ex left.
After an awkward encounter of the host asking if I was dating anyone, I found my way back to the front door and let myself out into the cold chilly winter LA air. The breeze on my face was such a relief compared to the cramped heated interior of my friends apartment.
Michael quickly followed me out and walked me back to my car, using the heat as an excuse to also escape the party. When we reached my car he finally confessed that he had something to tell me which just confirmed the hunch I had all night.
He started it off casually, and then told me he didn’t want my views of him to change. I knew immediately what he was going to say, and I awkwardly tried to do a million things to avoid his confession. I searched my trunk for a jacket, I wobbled back and forth, and I kept grabbing and swinging from a nearby telephone pole.
I had only seen Michael probably 3 times since our show together two years ago, and we’ve only spoken every so often. I confided with him a lot recently about the break up, so I wasn’t fully expecting what he had to tell me.
As we stood there, well he stood and I fidgeted, he confessed he had feelings for me and he’s had them for the past year.
Wait. Pause. Freeze.
He has had feelings for me for the past year even though we’ve hardly spoken and have barely seen one another? How is this possible, and why?
And then suddenly this terrified me.
He has been romantically feeling for me without me knowing and I honestly haven’t given him any thoughts like that since, well, since ever. But if he is like me then he thought of me during romantic moments of movies, certain songs, and practically anything that has to do with love. And this has been going on without my knowledge for a year.
I should explain why this scared me. It scared me because what if I become him but in regards to my ex? What if I hold onto something that isn’t there, and all the while I’m doing this, my ex isn’t ever thinking of me? How sad. How painful. How… disappointing.
I told him I appreciated him telling me, and he quickly interjected and said he doesn’t expect me to reciprocate but that he wanted me to know. And I did appreciate knowing. It was nice to know that someone likes me because I am so traumatized from flying across the world and getting rejected. My view of myself isn’t really at it’s current greatest.
But I did feel sad. I know what it’s like to to have feelings for someone and not have them reciprocated. And it just got me thinking, are we always going to be longing for what we can’t have? Will I always want people I’ve lost in my past? Am I ever going to truly move on? And how do we, as people, hold on to things that aren’t fighting to hold on back?
I know in time everything will make sense. But my friend has liked me for a year, and in that year he didn’t cross my mind once. Romance, is a fucking bitch.