Walking Blind

blindfolded_man

After a month and a half of being separated, I finally got the chance to be with Aidon in person again. Leading up to this moment we spent countless hours on the phone, texts and snaps were the norm, and the usual tag in a relatable meme was part of our routine. It was all leading up to him coming to visit California again on September 8th.

I was nervous as hell to see him. Were all the same feelings going to be there? Was he finally going to ask me to be his boyfriend? Were we actually falling in love or did I invent the whole thing in my head/heart?

He was coming back to work for 2 weeks and then he carved out 5 extra days where it was just him and I together with no distractions. And although I was going to practically see him everyday he was here, I was most looking forward to those 5 days. Those were going to be “our” days and I couldn’t wait to soak up every experience with him.

I arrived to the airport late, not an unusual coincidence for someone as careless as me, and when I saw him my heart stopped. I was so excited, and so overwhelmed, and he rushed to embrace me giving me a kiss that felt like the movies. I couldn’t stop kissing him after that, and I knew in that moment, all my feelings leading up to this were true. And suddenly I got very scared, because I knew I was going to fall deeper.

After countless hours in traffic on the way back to my apartment, we made our way to the bedroom. I couldn’t wait to just lay down with him, hold him close, and feel the warmth of his body against mine.

As the week progressed we spent all our time together. I would go to work, and then spend the remaining of my day with him. We would eat, watch movies, and just enjoy each others company. But I was so full of anxiety and I couldn’t figure out why. i didn’t know if my intuition was trying to tell me something or that I was just overthinking and on the verge of self sabotage.

He never got on his phone during dinner or private moments, but in the downtime like car rides and laying by the beach, he would pick it up and shoot a text. I tried to ignore it, but I felt so jealous about something and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

Aidon has this friend, back home, named Danny. All I knew of Danny was that he and Aidon were talking before he met me here in California. I didn’t know how serious they were, and at the time, I didn’t care. Aidon and I had just met, so who was I to feel any form of jealousy about his personal life back home? But somehow Danny remained in the picture after I came to be, and Aidon reassured me that they were just friends. So naturally I believed him. I mean, how can you establish a relationship without trust?

The more time I spent with Aidon the more a part of myself felt like he wasn’t fully mine. Something just seemed off, and after a romantic night together at dinner, I walked out of the restaurant to see Aidon on the phone. When I asked who it was he said it was Danny just calling to say goodnight. Wait, what? That to me was weird. Friends don’t just call to say goodnight. So I told Aidon, “Hey I think he likes you more than a friend.” Aidon obviously ignored it and denied Danny’s feelings, but I knew there was more to it.

Through the course of the trip I started to notice that Danny was watching all of my instagram stories, which just proved my point to Aidon that Danny liked him. When I finally told him, he said to me that he knew and asked him to stop. I reassured Aidon he wouldn’t stop, and as a way to prove my point, I posted a story of a beer with the caption that read, “Because I know you’re watching.” I followed that one up with a picture of Aidon with a caption that read, “Because part 2.”

Looking back, it was kind of a bitchy thing to do, but someone was trying to steal my man and I wasn’t just going to stand by and let it happen. No one fucks with America.

After about 30 minutes I checked to see if he saw, which he did, and immediately he was texting Aidon about how it hurt his feelings and that I wasn’t a good guy. Yet, Aidon was aware of what I just did. I couldn’t fucking figure out why Danny felt like he had some claim to Aidon. Why he thought he had the right to feel everything he was feeling towards him. Didn’t Aidon make it clear that he and I were a thing? Things just didn’t seem to add up to me, and after one drunken night together, I snooped through Aidon’s phone.

I wish I didn’t.

There I found texts between him and Danny which proved they were a lot closer than he led me to believe. There was a picture of Danny with a hickey, which Aidon told me later he gave him because of a game called Piccolo. There were texts about Danny saying he’s going to miss cuddling every night, which Aidon justified by saying that Danny was dramatic and that he cuddles with all his friends. Everything I asked, he had an answer to, and after awhile I didn’t want to think about it anymore. Aidon wasn’t officially my boyfriend, so did I have any right to be upset. Who was the other woman, me or Danny? And the crazy thing is, Aidon doesn’t treat me like he treated Danny. There conversations were so empty, short (On Aid’s end), and you could see how Danny tip toed around Aidon’s emotions. My conversations with Aidon are deep, I make him talk about emotion, and we talked often and about a future. I could tell, just by the few times I even heard him on the phone with Danny, that he was into me more than him. But why did he still keep him around? I asked if they were ever sexual and he told me no.

I didn’t believe that.

After I found those texts I couldn’t really focus. I was angry, sad, and I just didn’t know what to do. I wanted to believe Aidon, and call me foolish, but I didn’t tell him to go. I didn’t kick him out. I held on, because I knew what we had was love. I just also knew he still needed the time to figure it all out. Plus he wasn’t actually my boyfriend, and in the grand scheme of things, we only spent a week together before this and built an entire relationship on distance.

I probably sound so dumb building a fort of excuses for him. In reality he was leading both Danny and I on, but still I don’t know the extent of how much. I just know the way I feel for him, and so far it’s making me crazy and stupid. Is Aidon a good guy? Are there any good guys? Or am I just a fool who wants love so bad he can’t even see the dangers in front of his own eyes?

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