Dating is hard. That’s a known fact, but being gay is an extra layer that doesn’t make finding love any easier. Every guy I’m ever into is either straight, taken, or not interested. Plus my options to choose from are a lot smaller, and although I love a challenge, I am tired of fighting for something that doesn’t seem to be fighting back. I don’t understand why it’s so hard to make a love connection.
Most guys I encounter in Los Angeles seem to only want sex and nothing more. Some are honest about it, but some hide it in their charm and smiles. It’s the latter that scares me the most, and although I like to think of myself as clever, I am a sucker for a pretty smile.
I officially met Alex at a pre-game party on a Thursday night. Alex immediately caught my eye, and after a brief introduction, I knew I had seen him before. He actually asked me out once after drunkenly running into me at Bar 10 in West Hollywood. I text him the next day to follow up and he never text me back, but 6 months later here he was hitting on me again.
The plan for the night was to go to TigerHeat, an 18+ club down in Hollywood. I used to go all the time before I turned 21, but now at 25 I never saw a reason to go back. But my friends wanted to go to the club, so I decided to take the trip back down memory lane.
Alex and I snuck away to an upstairs part of the club that didn’t exist when I used to go there. We found ourselves a little corner in the quiet bar and started talking about life. He wasn’t like the rest of the guys I usually encountered. He was handsome, smart, and had an opinion on things that actually matter. We talked science, family, and love, and I didn’t want the conversations to stop. Eventually our friends found our little hideaway and we were thrown back on the dance floor with the rest of the group.
Boys flocked to Alex, it was almost like everyone wanted his attention, and the more he focused on me the more dirty looks I would receive from others. It was kind of alluring that I was having the one thing everyone else wanted, but I should have known that attention doesn’t last forever.
We went back to his apartment at the end of the night and I didn’t want this to end up a usual one night stand. I could really see myself liking this guy, so I didn’t want to hook up on our first night of meeting.
I have this theory that if you hook up too soon it stops feelings from developing. It used to be that giving your body was the thing you waited for, but in today’s day and age, it’s the heart that’s the rare thing to giveaway. Hookups are the norm, and that’s a typical night out in gay Hollywood.
I went against my better judgement and gave into his advances. We spent the rest of the night cuddling, and continued the rendezvous the following morning. It was nice, and although so sudden, it felt so romantic. Things were definitely different, and it didn’t feel like your typical one night stand.
After a shower, kitchen kisses, and some morning laughs, we headed to get coffee and brunch down in Larchmont. The philosophical conversations flowed, and something about him kept me smiling. Maybe there was hope in the universe for me to finally make a love connection.
I spent the rest of the day thinking about when I could see him next and if maybe he wanted to see me soon too. I didn’t text him because I have grown accustomed to the dating game and didn’t want to seem too available. “Make him want you,” as my mom would always say.
Later the following night I went out with some friends again knowing Alex would be there. Was he as excited to see me as I was to see him? Was I expecting too much too soon? Yet I would like to think he felt what I felt, and it was like discovering gold in a town of coal.
But when I finally found Alex inside the bar, he looked shocked. He said hello and quickly excused himself to continue mingling with other people. After that, I didn’t see him for the rest of the night, and I haven’t heard from him since.
I sincerely thought he was going to be different, but I fell for the same game put on by just a stronger player. I’m used to the hook up culture, and I hate to say this, but sometimes I give into it as well. Yet deep down, I want nothing more than to connect with someone on a level that goes beyond the physical. And the more I date and try to put myself out there, the more dating and love seems to be like a Snapchat story. It’s the highlight of your day, and after 24 hours, it’s gone to make room for something more exciting.