It’s been officially almost a year since I started this blog, and looking back at it, oh man what a rollercoaster. Some posts make me cringe, some make me a little nostalgic, and others make me laugh at how serious I took everything and how pathetic my pursuit of love sometimes made me sound. I swear some of these posts are so sappy.
But 2016 was my transition year. It was the year I finally moved out on my own into Los Angeles, broke up with my boyfriend, got a real job, toned my body, and learned that love isn’t as black and white as I always thought it was. It was the year I started to learn to let go and just be, because honestly that is the hardest thing for any of us to do.
I am not the same man today that I was a year ago, heck I’m not the same man today as I was yesterday. My views are constantly changing, constantly being challenged, and I’m constantly growing. I don’t think I’m losing who I am, rather I’m discovering parts of myself that I never knew were there before, and it’s awesome. Lessons come from the mistakes I make, and stories are made when I stumble. In sixth grade we learned a saying that I never forgot, “the only real mistake is one in which we learn nothing,” and I think this is why I never live with many regrets.
But I think one of my biggest fears is losing myself, and people are sometimes the biggest places I get lost in. 2016 was proof of that. It’s hard to not wash away the parts of yourself that you fear won’t be liked. For me it’s my dreamer mindset and vulnerability. I’m such a romantic, and most people just aren’t. But I’m also a realist who just happens to be a dreamer. I constantly teeter the line between overthinking and accepting things for what they are. I just feel the world differently, and although sometimes it can be painful, it’s worth it. This is probably why I’m a creative. I think creatives were just born to feel and share.
I live for moments. Moments with people, places, and things. For the longest time I wanted to believe in a forever, but I’ve come to learn no one or no thing can promise you that. All we are promised is moments. A moment to love, a moment to live, and a moment to feel. Moments are what make life so incredible.
I’ve always been an open book, I never really understood why it was bad to have an open heart. But the relationships I’ve made over the year have taught me that not everyone is so open. People quit and run when the going gets tough, and feelings are scary creatures that not many people ever really want to face. And as sad as it sounds, this is how most of LA is. Love has become such a game, and I’m not sure it even counts as winning if the only way to find it is by pretending you don’t feel it. And yet, we still keep on playing.
If you would have asked me a year ago what I wanted most in 2016, I probably would have said something like love. I thought being in love and having someone to love was the only real thing that I was missing, but life is so much more than that. I love being single and having fun. I love the possibility that anything can happen at any moment, and I love that I can have sex just to have sex. Sometimes things don’t have to have meaning, and something about that is so empowering.
True romance is finding your place in the world and finding comfort in that. To me, my place right now is here in LA pursuing my dream. I am doing something that is scary and unpredictable, and every step along the way is one step closer to it. The people I meet, the hearts that break, and the friends I make are all a part of this journey.
Love isn’t found in one person, it is found in everything. It is found in friends, in the world around us, and as cheesy as it sounds, inside ourselves. We are the love we should always be looking for, but we have forgotten what it means to love ourselves.
And I’ve finally started to learn, that is all the love I really need right now.