What goes up must come down

updownarrowsblackred1

It’s rare for me to go on a third date with someone. It’s mainly because I haven’t found someone worth pursuing, and it doesn’t generally take me more than one date to know if I feel an attraction or pull to someone. I do, however, try to have a second date to either confirm or deny my theory that we won’t work as a pair, but I’m pretty good at nailing that with the first date. I don’t think I’m picky, I just know what I want and I won’t settle for less than that.

I met Steve through Bumble, and he was the first guy from Bumble that I think I’ve ever actually saw something with. He is a very subtle guy, and I think after 4 dates I know where that subtly comes from. He’s 6’4, blonde, blue eyed, and masculine. He is my type, and everything about him seemed to be going right.

For our first date we met for coffee down on Melrose at Urth Cafe. I ordered a Latte while he sipped on some green tea. We talked family, coming out, hobbies, work, and our dreams/ambitions. It was a great first date, and after he walked me to my car, we had an awkward first kiss that was essentially perfect. He leaned in and kissed me as I turned my head and landed on my cheek and then felt self conscious and proceeded to kiss me on the lips. After that night I kinda felt the butterflies that I hadn’t truly felt in awhile.

For our second date he came down to my neck of the woods and we got sushi and ice cream. It doesn’t sound like a good combination, but trust me, it’s the best.

For our third date we went and saw La La Land. Man that movie inspired me so much, and after that we got breakfast at midnight. I stuffed myself with chocolate chip pancakies and he had a shake.

By this time, most gay people would have hooked up. But we had only kissed, and I actually enjoyed it. It was nice to move at a slowed down pace, and really made me value falling for someone and not just their body. I think if people hook up too soon they ruin the ability to fall further. A bit of the romance and magic disappears, and if there isn’t a foundation of feelings and emotions, it usually never comes. I could be wrong, but that has always been my experience.

On our fourth date, it was pouring rain. I felt bad he had driven down from Santa Monica to see me, but it was sweet that he braved the weather and joined me for some coffee at the cafe around the corner from my apartment. As we sat and chatted, I felt it was time that he finally open up. Up until this point I felt the most open, and that’s who I am as a person, but I need the person I date to be open too.

He asked me if I had ever been in love and I told him about it and my views. To be honest, I have felt love, but hindsight makes me question all of it. Love, to me, is so romanticized. It’s grand, it’s unbeatable, and it’s never ending. Maybe my views are unrealistic, but watching my parents recently celebrate their 33rd wedding anniversary confirmed my theories. Love is crazy. Love is hard. But love never quits or gives up, and it’s worth it.

I threw the question back at him and that’s when things got awkward. He started to close up and didn’t want to talk about it, and this just led me to believe he was still in love. If you ask me, I can open up about anyone I’ve been with because I don’t feel anything anymore. So I was finding it so strange he didn’t want to talk about it. Looking back, I should have let it go. Because the more I pushed, the more flustered he got with trying to express himself.

He told me that I intimidated him, and he said it was because I come across like a “whole” person. He then asked if I had any unresolved issues, and I told him “No, why would I leave anything unresolved?” It just doesn’t make sense to me to not face what bothers me. If there is a problem, I always want to just fix it and move on. If I am broken hearted, I want to feel it and move on. He confessed he buries problems that bother him, and that was a huge red flag.

I concluded the conversation by saying I can’t date someone if their emotionally unavailable, and that I wouldn’t be a pacifier for someone to get over someone else. That might have been a bit assertive, but I don’t have time to waste trying to get someone to love me. I need someone who is a communicator and can be expressive, and if he felt like I was pushing too hard, then just tell me to take it back. If he just wanted to hookup, I would have been down for just that, but he said he wanted something serious with someone.

After that we walked back to my apartment and I asked if he had any romantic fantasies. It was a weird question, but with the rain I was feeling romance. My fantasy is a kiss in the rain, but it can’t already be raining. I would always say I would know the person I was meant to marry because we would be kissing and it would start to rain. I told him that was my fantasy and then I quickly realized that maybe he thought I wanted him to kiss me in the rain. Truthfully, I did not and that was not my intention. I honestly did NOT want to kiss him in the rain.

When we got back to my apartment I showed him my room and plugged in my Christmas lights. They are my favorite feature of my room. I showed him some poetry that was lying around and then proceeded to try and kiss him. He immediately pulled away and asked what I was doing.

I was shocked.

I stumbled for words and all I could say was, “what do you mean?”

He explained that he felt I made it very clear in the cafe I wasn’t interested in him, when I never said anything of the sort. He followed up by saying I was a romantic and he wasn’t, and something about that made me feel squirmy inside. Was it bad to be a romantic? He said it like romantic was a dirty word, and I hated that. But it also made me self conscious, and maybe it was bad I am open and sometimes feel too much. But I don’t think I feel too much, I just think the world feels too little.

He then said maybe he wasn’t romantically ready and moved on from his past love and proceeded to rush out of my apartment. He made the claim that he totally fucked up this situation and that he would text me later, and he kept repeating that.

“I’ll text you. I’ll text you. I’ll text you.”

I walked him downstairs and he looked completely distraught. I was genuinely concerned because I had no idea what was going on. Why was he frustrated, why was he leaving, and what was he feeling? I asked if he was okay because I cared to make sure he was okay and he responded by saying, “Do you really care? You barely know me.”

And in that moment, I felt angry. Of course I cared. Someone was hurting and it didn’t matter if I knew them well or not. If someone, even a stranger, is sad and distraught people should care enough to make sure they’re okay. I tried to explain that to him but he just looked at me passively. He left and then I text him an hour later to make sure he made it home okay in the rain. Driving in the rain is bad enough, but when you’re driving emotionally, that’s disastrous.

He text me two days later saying he felt we shouldn’t keep dating. Never gave me a reason, never explained his freakout, and never opened up. Overall, it was for the best. But why are there so many broken people in LA, and why do I keep finding them?

We all have our issues. We all have a past. But if we continue to run from our problems, we don’t become better humans. We become weighted humans, and life is too short to let anything hold us back.

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