I don’t like to share. To be more specific, I like to be people’s favorite and first choice. I don’t like to share those who are important to me, and sometimes I can get a little jealous. But I try my best to keep a level head and remind myself that I have to share. Sharing is caring after all. But I never thought I would have to share my first love with someone else, and that maybe I wasn’t the only one to fall under the love spell.
I matched with this guy named Noah on Bumble. He’s not really my type, but he was a rock climber who I had seen around the gym and he was definetly someone I wanted to become friends with.
One day while at the gym, we had our first hangout.
Up until this point our relationship only existed virtually. We texted, talked briefly about exes, and would say the occasional hi if I saw him in person. But this time, we finally sat down and talked.
He asked me about my trip to Nashville and I explained my whole story about what happened, and then I asked him to explain to me this guy he was traveling to Portland to see. We were living the same story, it was just cast with different characters.
He started to explain how he met Portland guy. He told me he worked at a climbing store in Costa Mesa and somehow I knew exactly what he was talking about.
“Is that store in a shopping center?”
“Yeah some really bougie one.”
And that’s when I knew. Mo, my first love, brought me there. To that center. To that store.
“I’ve been there before! One of my first loves took me there.”
“Really? A guy I really fell for took me there too. That’s how I met Portland through him.”
“Really? How funny would it be if it was the same guy.”
“What was your guy’s name?”
I didn’t believe him. I thought he was joking and pulling at my leg. I was kidding when I said what if it was the same guy, I didn’t actually believe it was possible. The world is huge, how could two strangers now friends, have fallen in love with the same guy?
“You’re joking right?”
“No. Mo, shorter guy, blond hair, and an animator?”
That was him. We were talking about the same guy, and I could see on his face how much he loved him. Noah then got weird, almost quiet. I, on the other hand, wanted to know everything. How he met Mo, when it happened, and did we fall for him around the same time?
Turns out I met Mo one year earlier, but our paths did cross when Noah said he met up with Mo at a hotel in Valencia. Mo was put up in that hotel while he worked for this company, and I too spent a night in that hotel with Mo. That had to be around the same time because he didn’t work for that company for very long.
It was weird hearing Noah talk about him. I had never met someone who once dated someone I did, and someone who strongly cared about someone the way I did. It almost felt to me like I had to share my love, and it became a competition in my mind of “Who did Mo like more?”
You could see it in Noah how much he liked Mo, and I knew that feeling he felt. That longing for something that wasn’t and isn’t being given. That heartbreak of watching him move on and give the love we wanted to someone else. Mo now has a boyfriend of one year.
Mo was my inspiration to write. He is the start of this blog, he inspired me to continue poetry, and he is the subject of most of my lines. But after hearing Noah talk about him, this illusion I always held of him began to shatter. Mo was a player, a heart breaker, and most of all, he was the love of someone other than me. I don’t think he is a bad guy, I just don’t long for him the way I used to. My heart let him go a long time ago, but seeing someone else’s heart still hold onto him made me want to grasp at what pieces of him I had left. I almost felt like I was losing something that wasn’t ever really mine.
Noah didn’t want to talk much about Mo. You could tell that he didn’t really want to think about him because some part of him has not let go. Although neither of us won the guy in the end, I felt like I had some advantage over Noah that made me feel elated. I did have a special piece of Mo that I didn’t have to share, and I even kept that information from Noah.
Mo gave me a journal for my 22nd birthday. In it he wrote a special note just for me, and I have held onto that book closely ever since. It’s like this little piece of love that I could never get from him in a relationship. But on top of that, I have Mo’s travel journal from Europe. He let me borrow it a few years back, but I never gave it back to him. It’s like a little souvenir I held onto to remember him. To this day, I don’t know if he knows that I have it, and I feel guilty I haven’t given it back. I’m sure he misses it, and I know one day it will make it’s way back to him, but for now it’s still mine.
And that is something I don’t have to share.