Deleted and Unfollowed

 

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I try not to worry about social media, but as an actor, I feel like it’s ingrained in me that it should matter. I mean, when I go out on auditions now they want to know whether or not we are social media famous. How does one even become social media famous? Sometimes I think fame would be great! But having my every move watched and criticized would be annoying. I will say and do whatever I want, and I think I wouldn’t give two shits about my image. Which could get me in a lot of trouble.

But this post isn’t about trying to get social media famous. It’s about trying to get over social media.

If you’re like me, you probably like to stalk your exe’s social media every once in awhile. You want to know what they’ve been up to, if they’re dating, and if their life is absolutely miserable without you. I mean, that’s at least what I do.

My ex Shay and I have been broken up since January of this year. Besides Corbit and Nashville, I haven’t really had any form of a relationship with anyone since then. I’m not opposed to it, but I just haven’t found the right guy yet. And I don’t necessarily mean Mr. Right, more so, I haven’t even found Mr. Right Now.

I don’t miss Shay. I know he’s happily in a relationship with someone else and they actually make a very cute couple. Yet despite my lack of feelings, I still like to check his instagram every so often. I look for new pictures of him, I check to see what he’s been up to, and I look at the old photos of us that still linger leaving people asking, “who is he?”

I used to mean so much, and now it’s weird to watch our love from afar while I question if it was even real. Our time together was so short, but somehow, it felt like years. Maybe that’s what love does, it throws away time so we can think every moment spent together is one never ending second of bliss.

But this time when I went to slip back into that pool of memories, the photos of us were no longer there. They were terminated like our relationship, and taken away from me yet again when I least expected it.

That seemed to be his skill.

I wasn’t sad, I felt taken aback. I almost felt like our relationship no longer existed. Was it some made up thing in my head? Time had started to erase what I once held so dear and that is what scares me the most about time and distance. We learn to forget.

I would always find it strange that he never had photos of his new boyfriend and still kept the old ones of me up. But now there is no more me, and still no boyfriend. But it’s like he was clearing space for him to finally make his appearance. Again, so strange seeing how much someone once cared, and how it just disappears. But that’s life, people change and life doesn’t stop for anybody. You just keep going.

Since I’ve returned from Nashville, I don’t think I’ve emotionally processed my trip. I came home, two days later met Daniel, and focused on our two week stand as a pacifier to deal with Corbit. I don’t think I really wanted to think about Nashville or him. I just wanted to let go, move one, and hope I could find love with someone else. Someone, better.

As I was bored in the car on the way home from a 12 hour work day, I opened up an app made for cleaning up your Instagram account. It shows you who you follow, who doesn’t follow you that you follow, and it allows you to delete multiple photos off your account. I used this app to clean up my Instagram and gear it towards myself as an actor. But when I was scrolling through the app tonight, I saw that Corbit was no longer following me.

And that’s when it hit me. In that moment, no matter how silly it’s delivery, I finally felt the gravity of my situation with him. I felt angry, sad, and most of all, defeated. I don’t know why he would have unfollowed me. We were still cordial, I hardly ever posted, and I thought we still had a special connection. Yet how stupid is it for me to think that connection is gone because he’s not following me on social media? But something about it hurt, and it made me feel like a part of him no longer cared to know what was happening in my life. He no longer cared to know or see what I wanted to share about my life. And if life has taught me anything, I simply had to learn to be okay even if I felt not okay.

Now I’ve slowly started to process the relationship. I’m slowly allowing myself to think about it and just simply feel. I know one day it will get better. That one day I will wake up and I can go through my day without thinking of him. One day he won’t matter to me, but that day has not yet come.

It hurts knowing I traveled across the country to tell him I loved him to just return home without him. Actually, I traveled across the country to show him how much I felt for him. He was a man of action, and no matter how many times I said I cared, he wouldn’t have believed me until I was on his doorstep. I did absolutely everything I could to make him feel my love, but I couldn’t actually force him to feel it. I couldn’t make him accept it, nor should I have to convince someone to do that. In the end, he chose to let me go. He chose to pursue someone else who he felt was a better match. And now I’m left here to cope with that and move on. But I don’t think I can keep burying what I feel.

I shouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want me. No one should ever long for someone who doesn’t want them. It’s pointless to hold onto a hope that someone will one day love you, but I do think it’s okay to hold on for a little bit. It’s okay to give yourself some time to mope, be sad, and just feel.

And right now, I need that time. Because a huge part of myself still cares, and I need to learn not to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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