This past weekend I turned 25. To me, this feels crazy old. I used to think by the time I reached this age all my dreams would have come true. I would have been almost engaged (thank God I’m not), I would have been famous, and I would be filthy rich. I can tell you I am neither of those things. I’m not dating anyone, I can walk down the street without anyone knowing who I am, and I live month to month hoping I make it to the next one. I’m not complaining, I actually really enjoy my life and where it is, it’s just not at all how I imagined it would be at 25.
I hate celebrating birthday’s. To be more specific, I hate celebrating my birthday. I am NOT much of a planner, and if I have to make plans I absolutely dread it. So when it came to this birthday I didn’t want to plan anything so my best friend Kayla took the reigns.
My birthday was on a Sunday so I wanted to do a majority of my activities the day before so we could drink, go out, and just have a shit ton of fun with the weekend. Kayla and I started the celebrations by returning to our old college for the big Homecoming Game. We spent the first part of Saturday just catching up with old friends, running into old enemies, and learning that everyone after graduation just got fat. Thankfully her and I live in LA or I think we would have followed in the weight gain.
After all this she told me we would go get some pizza at my favorite pizza place for dinner before we did what she had planned for me. But when we arrived at the restaurant my friends and family were all there ready to celebrate with me. I had no idea I would see my folks, or any of the people who showed up. It was amazing how close Kayla pays attention to my life and knows what people I think are important enough to celebrate with. I was blown away.
After that we all came back to my apartment, got drunk, and went out to dance the night away. It was the perfect set up for an amazing night, so why did I still feel like something was missing?
I was sad. Through all the celebrating and festivities I felt like I was missing something. To be more specific, I felt like I was missing someone. I wanted a lover. I wanted a boyfriend to celebrate with. And I spent some time just thinking of all the shitty guys who chose to no longer be a part of my journey. Why didn’t I have that lover I thought I would have had by 25? Where was Corbit, and why didn’t he get on that plane after me? Why didn’t my one night stand care to actually know who I am? Why couldn’t I actually hold down a damn boyfriend?
On the day of my actual birthday I wanted to make sure I was in church. I’ve been making sure I have been going to church every time I have a chance, and I absolutely love it. It feels good to dive back into my faith and grow with God again. I miss that spirituality I once had, so it’s nice to find my way back to it. Also my church has a lot of attractive men to stare at, and I would be a liar if I didn’t say that was a motivator for me to go. Hey, I would LOVE to find me a nice church boy. So why not go to where they are? I learn about Jesus and find me a boyfriend, that’s a win win.
The pastor asked us to hold each others hand for prayer and I grabbed my best friends hand and closed my eyes. As he prayed my mind drifted. I was exhausted, hungover, and still trying to process a million emotions that I still had not named. But God pulled me right back in when the pastor said, “You are not alone, you have the person whose hand you are holding.”
And then it hit me. This wave of emotions pulled itself out of my body and streamed down my face in silent tears. He was right, I wasn’t alone, and I was so mad at myself for not seeing that. I spent so long thinking that romance would make my birthday special when I had some of the greatest friends and love in the world. My best friend literally planned an entire dinner for me, made me personalized snapchat filters, and got everyone together to celebrate me. What more could I possibly want and ask for?
I felt upset at myself, I was mad that I was actually sad over stupid boys who absolutely mean nothing to me. THEY chose to not be a part of my life. I didn’t kick any of them out, wish them ill, or ask them to never speak to me. They found I wasn’t important enough to keep pursuing, and I am okay with that. You can’t change people or convince them to do something. But I refuse to let them affect me and how I go and live my life. I refuse to make decisions based upon their point of views.
I have all the love I need in my life. It may not be coming from who I thought, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have love. I have my friends, I have my family, and most importantly, I have God. I have the greatest family and friends in the entire universe, and I feel so loved. They truly made me feel special.
Mom and Dad, for taking time off work to drive and see me.
Kayla, for planning my entire weekend and loving me through all the heartbreaks.
Dan, for decorating my room with streamers and leaving me with a vase of the most beautiful orange roses.
James, my new roommate who has been nothing but loving and supportive.
And all my friends, who took the time to come out and have fun with me.
25 doesn’t look at all how I imagined. It is so much better, and filled with so much more love. So my birthday wish?
I wish I remember to love those who matter, and have the strength to let go of the ones who don’t.