This probably wasn’t my proudest moment, but I don’t regret it. This, however, has been a new low for me. What happened to the boy who cursed mindless hook ups? Have I become desensitized to sex? Yet strange enough, sex still bears a lot of meaning to me. So why was I so able and willing to disconnect myself and allow myself to do something I would never normally do?
I finally got the attention of my one night stand. I don’t know why he fascinates me so much. He really is a self centered conceited asshole, but I swear there is some connection I feel and I feel drawn to him. Maybe it’s lust, or maybe the fact I am struggling getting over Corbit, but when I see his name pop up on my phone I feel butterflies. It’s been so long I forgot what that even felt like. I almost thought I wouldn’t feel that again.
After our one night stand we text for like half a day until he just disappeared. I kept checking my phone hoping to see his name pop up and it never came. I felt deflated, but I couldn’t understand why I was so down. I think my pride took a hit, and I couldn’t face that after having just flown across the country and getting rejected. I needed to be on the up, and I thought he and I could have a little fun.
A few days later I text him asking if he wanted to get together again and he didn’t reply. I thought that was it, that we had a brief hook up and he was out. I started doing all the shit people do when they get ghosted. I started questioning my looks, my body, and second guessing who I was. I was becoming so insecure and it is not like me to act like that. Normally, I would say fuck it and move on. But why the hell did I want this guy to like me? Maybe the dick was just too good.
I remember him mentioning wanting to see Dixie Chicks and the radio station I work for was giving tickets away, so I sent him a picture of the tickets. I don’t know why I text him the photo, I just couldn’t quit and I knew this would get a response. He wanted the tickets, and went into him telling me once he quits his job he will have more time to hangout with me. Bullshit, this guy just wanted tickets from me not to actually see me, but oddly enough I was okay with this. By him responding, my pride started to recover. He was using me, but I was also using him. I wanted to have sex, and I was going to use these tickets to get it.
I told him he could have the tickets which kept the conversation flowing, and without directly telling him I wanted to have sex, I asked what I got in this whole deal. He said, “we could fuck” and I knew I had him right where I wanted him. I don’t want to sound conceited, but I could find guys pretty easily, so why was I selling myself so damn short and allowing this. I wanted to see what he would be like in bed, and honestly, it was as good as I thought.
The reality of the situation hit me the following morning. As I sat on his bed scrolling through my phone his roommate came in and started talking to me thinking I was him. When she realized I wasn’t and introduced herself I knew that was the girl he was attending the concert with. I asked if she was excited for the show, and the first words out of her damn mouth were, “Did you bring the tickets?”
I felt used. It was a low blow, and I just sat there a bit dumbfounded. Did I seriously want to hook up with someone so bad I unintentionally bribed him? And what kind of guy was he to do something like that? It was all shades of fucked up.
I was breaking the mold of who I am, or, who I was. I am not saying I’m some sex fiend now who is going to fuck everything and everyone in sight, but I did feel a little liberated after all this. I did something wild, and as long as you remain safe, let your wild side free.
As my co-worker once said, “If this job ain’t getting you paid, it better be getting you laid.” And that night, laid was what I was getting.
Thank you work perks, and sorry morals/standards.