Destiny is a bitch

broken-heart

Everyone warned me. They told me I was crazy to fly across the country to tell someone I loved them when he already told me that he met someone and was in a relationship. But I believed he and I had something that could defy distance and beat the odds. We started like a movie romance, why couldn’t it end like one too? But as I sit on a plane headed back to LA days before I was originally supposed to come home, I can’t help but think maybe they were right. Maybe I was a bit crazy.

Things with Corbit were going well until Fate/God/ The Universe/ Whatever the fuck you want to call it, stepped in. After our night spent cuddling, I had my hopes up that we were on the track to reconnecting our heartstrings and getting this love train back on track.

We spent the day driving through the city and exploring the farmland around Nashville. We were just looking for some places to write and we found some nice spots that I have to realize we will never go back to. As we sat in the car blasting music I just listened. Listened to him sing, listened to my heart scream how much I wanted to kiss him, and listened to the air as it kept asking me what I was doing there. 

I felt emotionally exhausted, and I could tell that this trip was taking a toll on us. We didn’t know what to say anymore, but we both felt there was still more to say. It was almost as if we were waiting for the right words to make it all go away. But we never did find them.

That night, Corbit asked me if I could drive him to the airport so he could drop off some clothes to his music producers client and meet up with him for a quick chat about music. I drove and dropped him off and then headed back to his house while I just chatted with my best friend until he came home. When he got home something was a bit off, and I knew right away it had something to do with Wesley. As I stood in the kitchen watching him snack on Coconut slices he opened up about the fact that he ran into Wesley at the airport who was there to pick up his sister and how excited he was to see him. It was like a knife in my side. He told me Wesley asked to come hangout with him, but Corbette told him it wouldn’t be a good idea with me there. I felt a whole mix of emotions. I was sad, angry, and a bit frazzled. I told him that he should invite him over and I would just go in the other room, but I was full of shit. I did NOT want that kid to come over, and I would have been crying in the other room if he did come over. Corbette said he felt extremely guilty that he was denying his new boyfriend time because of me and I felt awful because I should have been able to just be a friend. But I couldn’t, and I can’t be that right now. I wanted to be the reason he was so happy but in that moment, I was the one thing holding him back from that happiness. 

After all this, I knew it was time for me to go. I came there to tell Corbit how much I liked him and how I wanted to be with him, but I had spent the last 3 days trying to do that and nothing was changing. He wanted Wesley, and no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to stop that. So I booked a flight home for the next day. I wanted him to stop me, beg me to stay, but he didn’t. Instead he made a comment that struck me hard. He said, “I feel like you’re losing yourself the longer you stay here.” And he was right. This was not me. I am not some guy who pines over someone who doesn’t want him and makes a fool of himself. But I am someone who will do anything for love, and no one can ever say I didn’t try. 

The next day we spent together enjoying what time we had left. He held my hand in the car, which was strange because it meant more to me than him, and we drove to my favorite places. We went and got the world’s best donuts, had sushi together, and then spent our remaining hour sitting by the water in a park. While we sat there he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. He then takes out this bracelet and hands it to me. It was a memento from his first love, and he wanted me to have it because it is a representation of that crazy love I always wanted. This was his way of him showing me how much he cared and felt for me, and it may sound crazy, but I understood it. I have a memento from my first love, and giving that up would be so painful on me. He then gave me a box he got for me from Cuba that had the inscription “A life without life doesn’t count.” And then we just sat there and basked in what time and love was left. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what to feel.  I didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t go on like that. I was so tired from feeling I just wanted a break. I needed to get away and go home. I wanted my friends, and I wanted to surround myself with those I loved. 

He drove me to the airport and the reality of it all started hitting me, I was leaving and this was it. I lost. He got out of the car and hugged me, and as quick as lighting, gave me a kiss on my lips. I didn’t see it coming, and he pulled away before I even had a chance to kiss back. It wasn’t fair, but when is love or life ever really fair to us? As I walked toward the sliding glass doors I did a turn around and watched his car drive off. A part of me hopes he turned around too, but I will never know. 

I am still processing. I went from being okay to anger, and now I can’t settle on an emotion to feel. I feel loved by him, but I also feel extremely played. He should have stopped my emotions sooner, but he was also honest about having met someone. I just didn’t choose to listen and I thought I could beat the odds. My birthday is in two weeks and I have this fantasy he will show up and tell me he made a mistake. That I am the one he wants and that he will do anything to make us work. But if I don’t let this hope go I am in for a world of disappointment. My good friend told me that I give me heart too easily and I need to be guarded. I asked how I do that, and he responded, “assume everything is going to end and nothing is going to last.” I can’t help but have hope, yet maybe he is right. I need to look at everything just as a moment and be happy with what I get. I just can’t help but think Corbit and I have a few more moments to live.

So dear future husband, you’re a very lucky man. If I flew across the country knowing I stood a minimum percent chance of winning his heart, you bet I would travel the globe for you. I will do anything for love, but I need to be careful who I give it to. I am tired of wasting my love on other people when I should be saving the best of it for you. 

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