Knotted

knots

My stomach is still tied up in knots. I have been in Nashville for over 24 hours and it already feels like a roller coaster ride. It’s not bad, surprisingly it’s going a lot better than I imagined, but it still has its moments.

I have always imagined the moment I flew into Nashville. I would walk down the stairs to the baggage claim and Corbit would be standing there with flowers. I would then drop my bag and run to him as he picks me up, spins me around, and slowly lowers me as we kiss. It would feel like we were the only people in the entire world and I wouldn’t care who was watching. They would have been so lucky to see something like that. Unfortunately, that is not how it happened.

I walked down the stairs and there was no Corbit standing there. There were no flowers, no hugs, and no kisses. I didn’t think there would be, but that didn’t mean a small part of me didn’t hope that something like that could actually happen to me. I romanticize too much, but I think one day something like that could come true.

I found him pulling up outside. My stomach was churning and my heart was beating faster than hummingbird wings. I didn’t know if I was scared, happy, or I just simply wanted to shit my pants. Maybe all 3? He got out of the car and gave me a hug. I didn’t want to let go. I hadn’t physically seen him in months and I just wanted to hold onto that moment. But I let him go because I didn’t want to hang on too much, and hopped in the car. I thought we would sit in silence, but conversations flowed easily, it was like he already was able to categorize me as a friend and it made me uncomfortable. How could he have let go of everything like that and so easily? I tried not to think about it, and I definetly tried not to think about his new boy Wesley. I still can’t think about them together without wanting to throw up.

The day we spent together was pretty calm, relaxed, and fun. We went shopping together at Whole Foods, exercised at the gym, and then came home and cooked up some grass fed beef. Apparently, if they eat grass it’s better meat, but hell it’s all the same to me. But the whole time I couldn’t read him. I felt like there was still a pull between us but how was I to know? Clearly I’m love challenged and not very good at making it work so it was very plausible I could read the entire situation wrong.

That night when we went to bed we shared his bed. And right before we were about to go to sleep he picked up his phone to text Wesley goodnight. That killed me. Here I was in his bed and still he was wishing someone else goodnight. I couldn’t get angry, I knew what I was getting myself into, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt. And man, did it hurt. Every time he picks up his phone, although not often, I hurt knowing there is some other boy on the other line.

That night, before we went to sleep, I told him what I was feeling. I confessed about the unease I felt with Wesley and how much it hurt knowing that he was in the picture. I felt so blind sided. I told Corbit that I’m scared the connection we have he will soon have with him and I will have lost everything. He told me that he would never give away to someone else the parts he has given to me, but I know how love works, and love makes you grow close to people. I’m not saying he loves him, but one day he could. And then the vulnerability he has with me, he will definetly share with him.

There was one moment though, that threw me off. He told me that he felt one day he and I would be together, but it’s just not now. That was so sweet to hear, but also so unfair. Why tell me that and not act on it? If he wanted to be with me, he could. I would be his if he asked, but I refuse to play second to someone else. I told him why waste our time if we know we are what we want, but I don’t think he really had answer for that.

It was hard going to sleep that night. I wanted to hug him. How do you share a bed with someone you feel so strongly for and not hold them? But I refrained, if he wanted to make a move he could, but I would not be the one doing it. It would look bad on my part, and I told him I respect whatever relationship he and Wesley have.

The next day, I let everything settle. I had to be okay with him moving on, no matter how much it hurt me. I had two options, I could either slink away in anger and stop talking to him or I could just accept it as it is and keep him in my life. If I truly cared about him, I would put his needs first, and I am. I am not shutting him out. I can face the pain, and diamonds are formed in the fire.

We spent this next day writing more music and going to a park. There are fireflies in Nashville, but they only come out in summer and unfortunately it’s fall. I love fireflies, and I think they’re some of the most beautiful bugs god created. Just think, they produce light for a split second lighting up the night sky. How awesome is that? As we were walking back to the car, I saw it. A quick glow in the woods that flashed for a second and then faded back to black. It was a single firefly, out in the world when all the other fireflies were not. Corbit turned to me and said that the world was giving that firefly to me. And it felt special. I told him I wish there were more, but I caught myself and added, but I am so thankful I just even got to see one. And that is when it hit me. That is how I was feeling for Corbit. It wasn’t how I wanted, but I was getting time with him, and I was thankful for that. You don’t need the whole thing to see the beauty in it.

That night we came home and watched My Best Friends Wedding, which is my all time favorite Rom Com. He had never seen it before, and for those who haven’t it’s about a girl in love with her best friend and trying to win back the romance they once had before he gets married. Sound familiar? Oh the irony of life. After the film I told him that I would support him in whoever he chose to be with. He just stared at me, like he couldn’t believe what I was saying. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel it in the way he looked at me.

We went downstairs and played some music. He sang to me my favorite of his covers and I could feel the tears build up. I wanted to listen to this music everyday of my life. I showed him the drawing I made of him and also the necklace I made of the guitar pick he gave me from that first night we met. He seemed dumbfounded and told me he was in shock that someone could actually feel that way about him. He is so guarded, but also so clueless of all the love I know he has inside. I see it when he talks to strangers. He genuinely cares about their lives, and maybe he doesn’t even notice it. But that, that is a form of love that not even I have.

At one point during the night I just wanted to be close to him, so I laid my hand on his shoulder. He asked what I was doing and I told him I just felt like I needed to be close to him. He agreed and I proceeded to ask if I could hold his hand. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “can I lay down with you? Is that alright?” I was dumbfounded. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in his arms. We fell asleep on the sofa tied together in a knot of limbs waking up at 3 am.

We headed to his bed and I was scared that the cuddle session was over. I saw his phone sitting on his bedside table and I just imagined him picking it, texting Wesley, and turning away from me to go to sleep. But he brushed his teeth, slid into bed, and scooped me up with my head on his chest. We slept the entire night like that, switching between positions but never letting go. I would test it too, and loosen my self away, but he would always pull me back. It was so nice being close to him like that, and the best part was I didn’t force it, he came to me.

But I’m scared. What if when I go to bed tonight there is no cuddles, there is no more closeness, and all I feel is a pillow between us. Will I be okay? His feelings come in and out, I just ask that they stay. A small part of me does want him to see the effort I’m putting in and to choose me. To pursue me and make us work. But he says it still hasn’t hit him yet that I’m here, and I hope when it does, the love follows along with it.

To Be Continued…

 

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