In just a few days I will be in Nashville with Corbit. Everything sounds wonderful, we will finally be together again. But today he dropped a truth bomb that shattered every illusion of hope that I had.
He wanted to discuss the trip with me, and I was very hesitant to tell him that I was still coming. I didn’t want him to tell me that he didn’t want me there. That he didn’t care to see me, but that wasn’t it at all. He informed me that he has been talking to someone and that he likes him. Ouch. It was almost like I got punched in the gut, and in that moment I wanted to scream, cry, and throw up. I was angry, and I was sad. I was thankful in that moment he couldn’t see my eyes because they would have told him how hurt I felt. Instead I gave my most fake smile and told him how great that is to hear. That I am happy he has found interest in someone. I mean I do want him to be happy, I just want that happiness to be with me.
Corbit and I have this insane connection. We can’t let one another go, and although he says it is no longer romantic on his side, I don’t believe it. He once felt love for me, and that doesn’t just die. Especially if it was real as he says. There was a point where I meant the world to him, I just don’t know how to bring that back, but me being with him in Nashville might do the trick.
It was hard hearing him to tell me the moment his feelings switched, it was when I hooked up with someone behind his back. He said that that is just a trigger he doesn’t think he could get past, yet everything he did after that moment said he still wanted to be with me. The fact he asked if it was okay to trust me again, the songs he would send about love, the vulnerability he had with me. IS that all stuff you tell just a friend? What if that is my role with him, just friend. Am I strong enough to do that?
Ever since he told me about Wesley, yes his new boy unfortunately has a name, I can’t stop thinking about it. All I can picture is them kissing, talking, and laughing together. I see Corbit in love and it’s like someone is pulling apart my ribs. Okay, that sounds dramatic, but you get the picture. He said what they have is new and he doesn’t even know what it is. But it doesn’t matter. In my mind he found someone, and that someone found him too. It’s only a matter of time before they become a couple. Again, this goes back to, EVERY BOY I’VE LOVED HAS FOUND SOMEONE. I don’t understand it really. I wish I felt for Corbit a lot sooner, I don’t get why my emotions are always so late tot the game. It’s almost like they want to have something to fight for so they jump in in the last seconds just to get knocked out. But they always try. I, always try.
Crazy thing is, I am still following through with my trip to Nashville. It’s so stupid for me to do this, especially with the new given information. He doesn’t want me, that seems to be clear enough, yet a small part of me thinks going to Nashville can help. This trip is either going to be great, or it’s going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. I just ask God to give me the strength to remain strong while I am there and for my emotions to remain in check. But I might need a little more than prayer, so thank you doctor for providing me with Clonazepam for my anxiety. I’m going to need it.
We have two days until my flight. I’m scared something last minute will go wrong and I’ll receive a call saying that Corbit doesn’t think it’s best I come because of this Wesley kid and their “whatever” relationship. But if he does, then there is my answer. No more fighting. No more me bending over backwards for someone. I’m done.