Feelings are fickle, and they constantly change. I am a big example of that, and sometimes, they even cross over.
The gay world in Los Angeles is small. If I go to my local gay bars I will see all the guys from Tinder and Bumble spilling drinks and laughing amongst one another. It kind of blows my mind that after all this time, we’re all still single and looking for love. Tonight was one of those nights where I could tell just how small the gay world was.
Dan and I have become great friends over the last few months, and I am so thankful we never kissed or did anything physical because I think it would taint the amazing friendship we have now. I never thought he and I would become great friends, but we hangout almost everyday in the gym and gush over the same boys while creating our own inside jokes. It’s awesome, and it’s nice to have a gay best friend who understands it all.
After my ordeal with Miles I never pursued it further. It was what it was and I didn’t feel what he felt. Later, however, he updated me that all he felt was infatuation and he didn’t actually like me as a person. Whatever. The point is, I never could have predicted what would come next.
The first time Dan met Miles was when Miles came out to West Hollywood to hangout with me. It was early on when Miles and I started talking and I was trying to figure out where I wanted to place him in my life. Dan assumed Miles and I were sleeping with one another, and up until this point, we had done nothing but kiss. Dan got mad and resented Miles, yet for some reason bought him a beer. Maybe he assumed he was doing me a favor?
After a couple weeks and I told Miles I wasn’t interested in a relationship, he ended up matching with Dan on Tinder. I thought it was weird when Dan told me in the gym he and Miles were a match. I didn’t need an old flame pursuing my old flame turned best gay friend. I explained to Dan it was awkward that they talk, but I never told him Miles and I hooked up. I just left it as is and hoped he would heed my precautions.
I then reached out to Miles and told him it was weird he pursue Dan. He was just hitting me up to hook up and now here he is starting to talk to Dan. It felt weird, and he even tried to take us both out at the same time. What the hell, this isn’t the damn Bachelor.
But Dan never understood why it weirded me out so much, and as time progressed he and Miles grew closer and closer. They’re not a couple, but they might as well be. Now they go out regularly and talk often, and it’s weird watching them thinking I hooked up with Miles. Just think, if they got married and I was still best friends with Dan, I would have at one point slept with his husband. It’s weird and I can’t really erase that from my mind. Damn, even if they were just boyfriends. I slept with my best friends boyfriend. But he seems happy, and who am I to take that away from him or try and stop it?
Miles and I never told Dan we hooked up. I didn’t see a point in it. I saw how he reacted when he thought I hooked up with him I couldn’t imagine what he would feel when I told him I actually did. Plus he seemed excited to be talking to a boy, and I didn’t want to ruin that. I don’t know Miles’ motivation for not telling him, but I assume for almost the same reasons. It wouldn’t benefit their new relationship, so why tell? But Dan eventually found out.
I left my laptop open while I was working on a blog post and Dan saw it while he was over at my apartment. He took down the url and read them in the privacy of his home. I’m not mad about it, but I haven’t said the nicest things about previous dates in this blog; including him. I never write to be nasty, I just write my uncensored opinion, and he is probably going to read this one too. But I refuse to censor myself, so therefore, I won’t. I never share this blog with people, especially the ones who are in it. Yes it’s public, but it feels like my own personal journal. It’s my thoughts, fears, feelings, and hopes. I share because maybe someone could relate, or learn from it. Who knows.
Tonight was the first time, however, that I was around Dan and Miles at the same time. It was weird, and made me slightly uncomfortable, but I can’t exactly explain why. I wasn’t bothered because I wanted to be with either one of them, but there was a hint of jealousy inside me. I think I was jealous that they had someone, and I just wish sometimes, that I had someone too. It was also kinda weird watching Dan kiss someone who I kissed, and I wondered if he thought he was as tense of a kisser as I did. But as I stood there dancing while repeatedly telling myself it was okay to be alone, I couldn’t help but notice all the couples around me kissing. They were drunk on liquor and love, and I wanted a taste of what they all felt. And the crazy thing is, I feel it, but for someone on the other side of the country.
Last I updated on was that Corbit and I were no more, but as the months have passed we have started to talk more and more, and I even booked a ticket to fly out and see him at the end of September. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but what I feel for him now is stronger than it ever was before. Maybe it’s because I feel like the pressure is off, and now I don’t feel like I have to feel a certain way. But he doesn’t trust me, and he keeps his once open heart closed off and at bay from me. Hopefully, when I am out there, I can change that. It may seem crazy and out of the blue, but I almost feel like he could be the one for me. Maybe not. Maybe it’s the distance and the loneliness of love making me crazy, but there is something about him I can’t shake and I am determined to find out. But that’s another story for another time.
I am glad Dan is happy, or at least I hope he is happy. Yet when I look at him and Miles together, I just don’t see it. It seems like a strange pairing to me, but of course I probably do have a biased outlook on the whole situation. I miss the attention they both once gave me, and as time moves on and his relationship with Miles progresses, I will get less and less of Dan’s attention too. But I am trying this new thing where I’m not a selfish petty bitch, but it’s actually really hard. I mean, I’m trying to break 24 years of selfishness, and it took Corbit calling me out on it to finally see it. Love makes you grow, and right now, I’m growing. I just hope one day I have someone to grow with, but who knows, he could already be here.