My first go to distraction is hoping onto a dating app and allowing myself to mindlessly swipe through potential suitors. This is both tedious and mind consuming, but i’s also fun to know some of my options out there. But realistically, most of them fucking suck. I see the same damn people pop up on these apps, and I just think to myself, after all this time they couldn’t find someone?
I met Miles through OkCupid. He had messaged me during my time with Corbit and I never responded to him. But now with my Corbit drama set aside, I was able to look at my new options.
I couldn’t tell if i thought he was cute. He had a very nice physique which I immediately found intimidating. I get super insecure with my body, and the guys I tend to feel drawn to have nice figures. This just makes me feel inadequate in comparison. I’m not fat, but I’m also not all muscle. I’m just thin.
I responded to Miles and we agreed to meet for tea at this cafe by my apartment. It was super convenient for me because I could just walk there, which was nice in case I wanted to bounce. We ended up having a great conversation and we got along great! His body was just as nice as the photos, and he was cuter than I anticipated.
We talked about Game of Thrones, our families, and of course coming out. He still isn’t out, but he confessed that his family has a good idea that he is. He also has never had a boyfriend, and dating boys is somewhat new to him. This was a red flag for me, but he was okay with being gay, so that alleviated the fears I normally have of being someones first.
After that night, we agreed to meet up again. I wanted to get to know him more, but I could already tell the attraction wasn’t fully there for me. I don’t know why, but I put my doubts aside and decided to spend a bit more time with him.
He invited me to this house party and I decided to stop by on my way home from Santa Barbara. I knew no one there, but I didn’t care. It’s always so fun to be somewhere new meeting new people, and it would be fun to see him interact with other people.
At one point during the party, we started taking jello shots and eating pizza. I felt guilty breaking my diet, but the jello shots had little dinosaurs in them and I couldn’t resist. Later on we sat by the bonfire while Miles stripped down into his underwear to jump in the pool for a swim. I immediately caressed his body with my hands and used the jello shots as an excuse as to why. His body was solid and felt good to touch.
After that night, he helped me a few days later moving boxes of books into my room. I hate to admit it, but I asked him to help me because I didn’t want to do it myself. He carried every heavy box up a flight of stairs into my bedroom, and made moving a very easy task. I wasn’t using him! At least, I don’t think. But he was happy to help me move, and he made some sweet comment about how he would be happy to help if only he got to spend time with me.
Afterwards I lit some candles, plugged in my white lights, and we just laid down on my bed talking. We kissed, and one thing led to another and clothes were off with a wide open window. His body was beautiful, but the way he kissed did not match well with mine. His lips were tense, and he just needed to relax a bit. Theres a lot you can tell from a kiss, and ours weren’t a pair.
We didn’t do much, and kept everything very safe. I’m not one to offer up the goods and put myself at risk. Afterwards, however, he confessed he hadn’t had an STD test in 2 years. I tried not to panic, and he reassured me that it was because he hadn’t really hooked up with anyone, and if he did he was very safe. I don’t care how safe you are, you need to get regular checkups with your doctor. So I told him he had to go get STD checked and he agreed. A week later he got back to me and told me he was all clear. Intuitively I knew there wasn’t a problem, but you can never be too sure ya know?
Our next “date” was a screening of a movie. Up until this point I hadn’t really talked about emotions. I didn’t want to presume he wanted to work towards a relationship, and I was just riding the currents to see where it would take me. After the screening he tried asking me out on a “proper date” but I kind of deflected. He is great, and nice, and funny, but I could tell it wasn’t for me. I think I’m just not emotionally available just yet. I still like Corbit, and I’m confused as all hell as to what to do with him and my feelings for him.
After the screening, Miles kissed me goodnight and I didn’t want to. I tried to go for the hug and he went for the kiss. I gave in, I didn’t know how to say I didn’t want to without sounding rude.
A few days after that he text me telling me he wanted to pursue me further but wanted to see if we were on the same page. I told him i enjoyed spending time with him, but I didn’t want a serious relationship at this time. I think the way he took it was that I wanted to sleep around, but that’s not what I meant at all. I simply meant that I want to keep my options open for the right person. He understood, but confessed he’s hoping to find something serious. And truthfully, I hope he does. But unfortunately I know that isn’t with me.
We still talk, and I can tell he would make a great friend, but it’s up to him if he wants to maintain that friendship. I don’t want to lead him on, and I hope that I don’t. But I suck when it comes to love and relationships, and knowing me, I will find some way to fuck it up.