When the Music Dies

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Ever since I left Corbit and Nashville and returned to LA, he and I have been in contact nearly every day. We FaceTime, Text, and will call one another. It’s fun and it’s nice, but it isn’t enough for me. I needed more time with him to calculate my feelings and see how we interact with one another in person. What’s it like to go on a date? To see a movie together?  To shop or walk around a mall?  To just be, in one another’s presence? These may sound silly, but it is needed in order for my feelings to grow and develop. Like I still don’t even know what his sense of humor is like, or what he does with his friends and how he interacts with other people. I only know the way he treats me, so I could never tell if his behavior towards me was special or different. Only he could know that, and arguments had arisen because I didn’t know any of this. But, can you blame me?

Corbit was scheduled to fly out to California today. He had just spent 3 weeks in Cuba working and studying medicine and he would try his best to find wifi and contact me. It was sweet, he had opened up to me that he really liked me, and I really liked him too, but I don’t think my feelings matched his. He was ready to be all in, and I think I wasn’t.

Before he left for Cuba, we briefly discussed exclusivity, but it was left with gray areas. We both agreed we weren’t romantically pursuing anyone else, and I haven’t been. But was it cheating if one of us kissed or hooked up with someone else? It wasn’t on my agenda, and I have denied some offers, but if it had happened I wouldn’t have been upset because we are not a couple.

He would make it clear that this was an adventure with no known outcome. We could be friends or lovers, he didn’t care he just wanted me in his life. I agreed with his sentiment, this was an adventure and there were no expectations. Hell, I have never done long distance, and I only spent probably 4 days with him in person. But I liked him, and I would let him know that and he would with me. But because I like him, doesn’t mean I’m 100% committed. Again, I was still discovering, and I was going to use the week he would be in California to figure that out. But I’m not getting that week.

A week ago, I was in Chicago for a work event. Long story short, I ended up making out and doing some hand stuff with a co worker. It was a one time thing, and immediately I felt guilty. I had a constant battle inside myself if whether I had just cheated or not, and then I battled with why I did it. Why did I do it? Here I had some wonderful boy in one week who was about to travel across the country to visit me. Spend time, with me. Who wanted to see, me.

I wasn’t going to tell Corbit. Why would I? and for about 5 days I held true to that. I didn’t tell him, but when I asked for clarity on our relationship status he questioned why I was asking so much and asked if anything happened with me and someone else. I should have lied, but I can’t lie to someone I care about and to someone who I might possibly spend my life with. So I told him the truth. Let me take a break right now and tell you that honesty is not always the best policy. This was not information he needed to know, and in the game of love and power I should have kept my mouth shut. Trust me, I’m stupid when it comes to love.

After I told him, I broke down crying. I told him I didn’t know if I cheated or not, and that I felt awful. He told me everything was okay, I did what I needed to do in order to figure out what I needed to know and that it wasn’t a big deal. I thought, “Wow, okay this is great. I was honest and it worked in my benefit.” Boy was I wrong.

The following days after he was kind of short with me. And when I asked if everything was okay he reassured me again that it was and I was just busy overthinking everything and I needed to chill. So I did, I started to believe everything was okay, but then the day he was supposed to come to LA he gave me a call. Over FaceTime he told me that he thought about it and he’s not okay. Wait, what? He just spent the last 2 days telling me I was overthinking and being dramatic when in reality I was right the whole time. He wasn’t okay, and I knew it. He then told me he didn’t feel comfortable coming to LA and that he was cancelling his trip. I was shocked, but I also knew in my heart this was going to happen. My intuition is hardly ever wrong.

I asked why it felt like he was breaking up with me, and he responded with, “we aren’t a couple.” Then I asked why my actions reflect cheating if we are not together? I don’t know how he responded to that and it didn’t matter. He made up his mind and that was his choice. There was nothing for me to do about it.

He opened up that nothing changed, but he didn’t want to come to California and fall for me more with the potential of just getting more hurt. He said that I needed to show action that I liked and cared for him, and basically the ball was in my court.

Now this is where I get stuck. I have been trying to show him I like and care, but I can only express so much because so far I only feel so much. My feelings are still growing, and the kind of love I think he wants me to share with him comes from me knowing I am 100% committed and in love. I am not there yet. I can’t give my all to someone that easily. I have in the past and I’m just a lot more realistic now. But in order to prove to him I care, I would need to get on a plane and surprise him in Nashville. But that doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. Because if I do that, he may think that’s a sign of me saying I want to do this. be in it 100%, and as much as I want to feel that, I just don’t. Maybe I am broken. Maybe I am incapable of loving someone like that. I don’t know, but instinctively I know something is off, and I don’t think I should ignore that. He is talented, smart, and extremely handsome. And if he lived in my area I would want to explore him further, but for some damn reason I can’t just put all my eggs in one basket. Maybe I am being foolish, and I don’t mind admitting if I am wrong. I guess I fear I could let something good go because I am just stupid with love.

So, I don’t know what to do. Maybe in his mind I cheated, but in my mind I didn’t. Who is to say who is right or wrong in this. He said I needed to trust people and let them love me, but he couldn’t be my hero and save me. Yet, I don’t think I need saving. I think I just need to figure out what I want and then go after it. I want love. I want to be loved. But I also love my singleness and the opportunity for anything to just happen. I think I am scared of giving up that freedom unless I’m 100% sure it’s worth it. And right now, I’m not 100% sure it’s worth it

“There it was. Exactly what I had needed to hear, a year too late. I should’ve been happy, but I wasn’t. It was the absolute worst timing of all. Ten minutes later, Aidan still hadn’t come back. Suddenly my life was all about timing. All the right things at all the wrong times. My past coming back way too fast…and my future taking way too long to come home.” Carrie Bradshaw

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