After Corbit dropped me off, I was a mess of emotions. I didn’t know how to feel, and I didn’t know whether my heart wanted to stay or go. I was so confused, and as I walked towards my gate to board my plane, I didn’t know whether to get on it or stay behind to explore what I was feeling.
When I got to my gate, I was over taken by this emotion that I shouldn’t get on it. It was a crazy thought, but what was I going home for? I didn’t have work that week so I didn’t have any responsibilities to adhere to. So I called my friend Samantha to ask what I should do. If I was going to stay in Nashville to spend more time with this boy I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy. But Samantha didn’t pick up and I immediately called my Friend Ivy. I explained the whole situation to her and she simply said, “Why not?” And she was right. Why not take this crazy chance? I always wanted my life to be like a movie, and for once, it was actually playing out like one.
So I went to the help desk and said I wanted to cancel my flight. I wasn’t thinking, I was just acting. She canceled the flight for me, got me my bag back, and gave me a credit to fly back whenever I wanted in the next year. This was actually happening, and I was actually taking this adventurous risk for a chance at love. After I cancelled my flight I text Corbit and told him I cancelled it and I needed him to come back and get me. He said he would be right there, and 5 minutes later he was outside ready to take me back.
I got in the car, kissed him, and said 500x how crazy this was. It was actually happening, and I was actually going off to spend a few days with someone who I have barely known for 24 hours. He drove us back to his apartment and then we made a game plan. We booked my flight back for that Thursday giving us two and a half more days to get to know one another. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, and even now, I still don’t.
The next days flew by very quickly, and emotionally they felt real, especially coming from him. We cuddled and watched the Notebook, which showed so many similarities between us and them. We went out to watch his friends play music. We ate a TON of food. Okay, I ate a ton of food since he was on a diet, but it was delicious. He took me to a park in the middle of the night, brought me up to the roof of his car, and held me as we looked up at the stars. I saw a shooting star and made a wish. It was so romantic, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that a part of me was disconnected.
I don’t know why, but here was this movie romance and parts of my heart weren’t connecting to the fantasy. Maybe it’s because subconsciously I knew he was still holding back from opening up, or maybe it was just that since I had been traveling for so long I was just finally ready to come home. I’m not sure what it was, but if I was going to be honest, I had to tell him there was a part of myself existing outside our fantasy.
On our last night together I was plagued with this overall feeling that I had to emotionally be somewhere, almost as if I had to have my feelings already figured out. Corbit seemed like he already knew what he wanted, and it was nice having someone so confident that I was worth investing in, but it scared me. This was supposed to only be a quick romance, but it turned out to be very real. I explained to him that I needed to go back to my real life and see how I felt then. I was living in his world, so of course it was easier for him to emotionally connect than it was for me. Also he hadn’t felt anything for someone in a long time, and much like me, when he feels something so real he wants to latch onto it. To explore it and see where it could take him. I was that something, and I wasn’t prepared for everything it may have entailed.
He seemed to disconnect for a second when I told him what I was feeling. I explained to him how I went on a few dates with someone before I left for my trip, and how it was left very unresolved. I had a life back home, and I couldn’t ignore that. I didn’t really want to talk about what would come next for us, because I didn’t know. I have never done long distance, and I don’t even know if I’m capable of it.
He asked me if this was just all a story for me, something for me to write about, and that broke my heart. Because initially I think it was. It was a great love story to write about. Getting off a plane, spending a few days together, being serenaded by music and kissed under the moonlight. It was the perfect thing to write about, but soon I realized real feelings were involved, and this was more than something to write about. In the end he understood where I was coming from, and he left zero pressure on me, but in my heart and in my mind I knew he had a few expectations.
Thursday quickly approached and before I knew it I was back at the airport, but this time I knew I was coming home. I was ready to get back to my life in LA and tackle my dreams and career head on, but this time I was taking a real piece of Nashville with me. Much like before he kissed me goodbye and sent me off. He left it up to me to decide what we would become, and he sent me a recording of him singing my favorite Coldplay song to listen to as I flew home. I walked away feeling so confused and a bit restless. I felt like I didn’t know much about him, and I didn’t have enough time to keep finding out.
I spent the entire flight home just thinking about him. Thinking about my feelings and if they were as real as his. He promised me he wouldn’t fill my head with pretty words, that he would show me with actions that he meant everything he said. My heart has already gone through a break up this year, and after that I vowed I would stay single and focused. Would this be a distraction? The appealing thing about long distance, however, was the fact that I would be able to focus on me and still have someone. It was a nice thought, but that’s all it was. Let’s see if anything actually happens, and until then, LA here I come.