Trying To Forget While Holding On

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Time is weird. It helps you to move on from certain situations by giving you new distractions and new experiences to focus on, but it also romanticizes things that should no longer be romanticized. I’m specifically talking about relationships. With time I’ve slowly forgotten my ex, but now when I look back I start to miss the good moments and forget about the ones that made me always want to walk away.

I’m just having one of those days. Maybe it’s because I am away from home and I’m starting feel lonely on the road. I’m so used to focusing on finding love I don’t know how to act and feel in situations where that is not a probable goal. I am constantly moving city to city within a day, so I have no time to focus on anyone. My only chance of finding love would be with one of the interns, but none are gay and the pretty girls I would normally make out with are already swooped up with the other guys on the trip. I think another reason I came on this trip was because I didn’t want to have to focus on love. I mean, I shouldn’t be focusing on it anyway.

I started missing my ex because I made the mistake of stalking his Facebook. Facebook has this really nifty and awful feature where you can see someone’s recently added friends, and I am guilty of checking Shay’s. I shouldn’t have done it, because I found that he is recently Facebook friends with someone who has no previous association with him through either school or work. So of course, my mind put together this whole idea that they have a blossoming love story. And the worst part is, the guy is super good-looking with an excellent physique. Of course he’s an actor/model, and that just upsets me more. My ex was hardly supportive of me pursuing a career as an actor but he could be supportive to someone else? Again, this is all speculation, but I can’t help but feel a little crazy about it.

I think the thing I’m struggling most is with the idea of rejection. I knew I should have broken up with Shay long before he pulled the trigger, and it’s the fact that I didn’t that I struggle with. I struggle with the fact that I was rejected. Its like mentally and emotionally I can’t figure out how to be okay with that. I mean I don’t have a choice, I have to be okay with it, but I can’t. Or maybe, I won’t. But there is nothing I can do about it. It’s so difficult for me to process because I genuinely thought he loved me, and I still do, but he was so new to love he doesn’t understand the fact that love is a choice. I think that maybe he felt the feelings of it dwindle, so instinctively that must have meant it wasn’t right. But love is a choice you make everyday, not just butterflies in your stomach.

It’s also hard for me to process the fact that one day he will give someone the love I always wanted, and it hurts that it won’t be mine. I worked hard for that love and I loved hard in return, but that love will not be mine to keep. And again, this seems so unfair to me. Why does someone else get it? I understand that one day there will be someone who will love me the way I deserve to be loved, but it’s hard not to think that what if there isn’t that someone. Shay loved me in a way I was never loved before, and I had moments where I thought that was it for me. That I found the person I had always been waiting for. We clicked, he made me laugh harder than anyone in this world, and he seemed to understand all my quirks. His house eventually felt like home, and his family felt like they were my family too. But now that’s all gone and today is one of those days where I am not okay with it. I’m scared I won’t find that connection again, and I’m scared that if I do I could lose it. I guess the lesson for me should have been to walk away when I knew it wasn’t right, not stick around to watch him walk away from me.

When I start to miss him I try to think of all the shitty things he did to me. All the moments where he stepped on my heart, and I hate to say it, but there are a few. But time tries to make me forget the hurt, and I know it’s beneficial to forget and move on, but time didn’t take the good moments with it. Time has left those memories for me to keep and I want it to take them too. One day it will, but I think they may be the last to go.

I don’t know what’s new in his life. I don’t want to speculate by the little I see on social media, but I can’t help but wonder who lies next to him in the bed that used to be ours to share. I sometimes wish I could know what was new with him, but look how I reacted when I found out he could possibly have a new guy? I’m not strong enough yet to know anything about him, and most days I don’t want to. Maybe it’s being lonely on the road, or maybe just time playing one of it’s tricks on me, but today I care. Right now I miss him, but I will never tell him. I just can’t help but wish that parts of him miss me too.

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