Everyone at some point has sent a drunk text. Either to a friend, a lover, or past lover. Alcohol doesn’t discriminate, and if you’re like me, you’ve probably sent one to all 3. Well, over the past weekend I decided to break my month long silence with Shay and tell him I missed him. One word: regret.
Okay, that’s being a bit dramatic, but looking at it now I wish I didn’t text him. It’s not like I said anything bad, to be honest drunk me had proper grammar and said something very sweet, but it was something that didn’t need to be said.
I try and live my life with the motto that if you have something to say, just say it. Say how you feel the moment you feel it because life is too short to fucking not to. So I text him asking how he was and admitting that I was missing him. I guess a part of me wanted to think that he missed me too, but that’s not the response I got. Instead, he responded to me like he was walking on eggshells, very proper and careful to not say the wrong thing. It was almost like he was trying to not say anything that would give me false hope. He didn’t want to say anything that would lead me to believe he still had feelings for me. I know we weren’t meant to be, but not even my feelings for him just vanished like his seemed to do. With time, I almost feel like it wasn’t real. Is that how time works? I understood it makes you forget, but I hate that forgetting makes me question if it was ever real.
I understand why he is approaching me in this manner. Maybe he is looking out for me and doesn’t want me to get hurt, but in actuality it pisses me the fuck off. I hate that he assumes that I want to be with him. First of all, just because I miss him doesn’t mean I want us to be a couple. We spent half a year together talking every single day so of course I miss him. He was my best friend and we were inseparable. Now, we’re just strangers. It’s weird and I hate it. But I don’t know what I want. I don’t want us to hangout and be friends, but I also don’t want us to act awkwardly around one another. We know the most intimate parts about one another, and now we act like we don’t know anything about each other.
But maybe that was his problem. He always assumed he knew about me or what I was feeling, and it’s clear he still does. After that small conversation we had the following day after my drunk text something inside myself clicked. I was over it, I was over him, and most importantly, I realized nothings changed. He still doesn’t know me, and maybe, I don’t know him.