Life is weird, and I don’t think you should ever burn a bridge because I promise one day you might need to cross it.
When I was in 8th grade, I was best friends with a guy named Callum. Callum was annoying, and why we were friends I will never understand, but one night the friendship changed. I was over his house and I remember distinctly we were in his orange and brown room watching Family Guy. I can still recall the episode, it was the one in which Stewie incorrectly pronounces “Cool Whip.” Well, while watching the show our hands slowly inched towards one another until they were touching and eventually holding. He then led my hand up to his crotch and placed it there. I didn’t move. I was transfixed with fear, curiosity, and pleasure. We then embraced each other and kind of felt one another’s bodies. Nothing happened beyond that, but the following day I left Callum’s house and never went back. I felt so guilty and was overwhelmed with fear that I cut him completely out of my life.
Years later when we were finally in college we sat down and talked about that night. We agreed we were just horny kids and left it at that. It was the first time I had talked to him in over 6 years and I spent that entire time always trying to avoid him. He was a reminder of something I wanted to hide and run from in myself. I didn’t want to be gay, but he was walking living proof that I was. I never told him I was gay on the day we met up. He seemed like he was so against homosexuality it didn’t seem like something to bring up, but turns out he was just as repressed as me.
Years after that one day we had lunch and discussed our past, we started talking and hanging out a bit. That’s when he finally opened up about being gay and turns out we both had first experiences with the same low life scum that is Arnold. But he’s a different story that’s not even worth writing about. Callum and I flirted with texting but that’s all it was. We lead very different lives and we would never be a couple, but we all have needs and sometimes we act on them.
One drunken night I texted Callum and told him to pick me up. We went back to his place and we finished what we started over 6 years ago. The very thing I spent my entire high school/college career avoiding. It didn’t feel like a random hook up. He was a friend, and he is someone I’ve known for years even if we spent that time not talking. After that night I went home and I haven’t seen him since, well, not until last night.
I was staying over at my parents and I was with a friend drinking some wine when I decided to hit Callum up. I haven’t been with anyone in awhile, and I never got to finish the last time we were together. So this time I figured we would have the hook up that we should have had as kids. Callum is a virgin, and I only want to have sex with someone I love, so that was off the table. But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t have some fun. In all honesty though, I feel guilty having just hook ups like this. It’s hard for me to disconnect emotions and sex, but I do have needs and It felt good to be with someone. Is that so bad? Where is the line between what’s normal and slutty? Maybe that’s left up to the individual to decide.
Callum made me feel desired, and that’s something that lacked in my past relationship. He made me feel comfortable in my body and made me feel sexy. That might sound weird, but being wrapped up in his arms I actually felt wanted. I didn’t feel like my body was some disgusting thing that had all these flaws. I don’t understand how he was able to do that and my boyfriend of 6 months could not. I think maybe it was due to the fact that Callum isn’t the 6 pack model, so I didn’t feel this pressure to be perfect. But the way he grabbed at my body and caressed my skin made me feel desired. And isn’t that what we all want? To feel beautiful?
While I laid in his room this time it hit me. I was back in the same room, the same bed, and with the same guy who haunted me my entire teenage life. I came back to the place that filled my nightmares, and this time, it wasn’t scary. It’s so weird how time changes things and alters perspective. Callum was never a bad guy, and I’m sure when we were kids he was just as scared by the whole thing as I was. But here we were using each other to fill some void. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know, but I know that for one night I felt wanted, and nothing felt greater than that.
It’s hard because I don’t want to give myself away to people like that. I don’t want to hook up for the sake of hooking up because no matter what I feel guilty about it. I feel bad hooking up with someone when I know my heart is somewhere else. I hate when people abuse sex, but again here I am doing just that. I mean I don’t fully abuse sex because I never do it just smaller less risky stuff, but I’m still doing things nonetheless. I guess I hate the whole hook up gay culture, and I’m scared that I will fall into that category. I at least try to be picky with my hook ups, and never are they with someone I just met. This is why I want a boyfriend. This way I can hook up as much as I want with one guy and not feel like a ho. Maybe that’s not the best reason to have a boyfriend, but I don’t see anything wrong with it!
My point is that you can’t outrun the past, and that maybe sometimes, you want to embrace it. It could have a happy ending, if you know what I mean.