I came to LA to pursue my dreams of acting. So far I have done well for myself, booking commercials and various spots on television, but it never feels like it’s enough. I want to be a regular on a show or a star in movies, not busting my ass off to get any odd acting job I can get my hands on. I want to work consistently, and I want my work to have meaning.
I recently went out for a pilot on the CW that a friend of mine is on. I thought for sure this was my moment, I had been racking of credits on my resume to make me a strong contender and I knew I was perfect for the role. But alas I wasn’t the actor picked for the job, and now I’m left watching my friend pursue the dream I have been dying to live. I am so happy that she is getting her moment, but I so desperately want mine too.
The audition process is brutal. You come across roles that connect with you so deeply and you want nothing more than to play them, but you can’t get your hopes up because there are hundreds of other actors for them to choose from. The process is a constant “no” with scattered “yes'” and you’re always hoping for that yes to be with something big. So far, for me, I haven’t struck the golden yes. And it’s really hard to not lose faith.
After I lost the pilot to an actor with zero credits, it confused the hell out of me. Aren’t we busting our asses because they want an actor with credits? But this is show business and anything can happen. I started to look for the why in why it wasn’t me. The devil is a bitch, and immediately he jumped in my ear whispering things like “you’re not good enough” or “You’re not good looking enough.” But with each audition and each no you have to learn how to push these thoughts aside. This business will kill you if you start to lose doubt in yourself, and I refuse to be my own downfall.
Tonight I went to an open mic at a restaurant called Crave. The talent there was incredible, and being in that kind of environment was overwhelming. Here I was with my exact competition for work, and they were good. Like, really good. It scared me. If this was my competition how did I ever stand a chance. I’m not the best singer, nor can I play any instruments, and the Devil jumped at these insecurities. While I stood there surrounded by these people my mind started reeling. I started thinking things like, “I wish I was talented” or “Why aren’t I good at anything?” I was thinking things that I know to not be true, but why was I thinking them? Why was I starting to beat myself up? And it’s because I was scared. I got scared that maybe this business isn’t for me, and that in fact, I am not good enough.
Yet there is nothing in this world for me than performing, and every time I start to lose faith in myself, God has a way of making me remember that I am doing what I’m supposed to.
Recently my manager booked me a commercial promo and I didn’t even have to audition for. My agent called me the other day telling me that a commercial I did a year ago got picked up again and that he renegotiated a deal garnering me more money than I ever made from it. It’s things like this that show me I am doing well for myself, and I am so blessed to be able to support myself with my art and pursue my dream. I’m not in this for the money, but it’s reassuring knowing that I can live off of a dream.
I refuse to lose faith in myself, and although I may doubt my talent, I won’t give up on why I am here. I won’t give up on why I am doing what I do, and I won’t give up on trying to break into this cruel industry. My competition is fierce, but I am just as good. Let the best performer win.