It might sound crazy, but I like to look at my ex’s instagram to see if he is still following me. And up until yesterday, he was. My theories for why he stopped may be valid, or maybe he just felt like it was time to let go. I can’t really say, and I’m not about to ask him why. I mean, I shouldn’t care about things like this. So why do I?
It’s been almost 2 months since the break up, and with each day I feel better. I’ve started going on dates, I’ve kept myself busy by participating in a musical, and I lost weight. I still think about Shay almost everyday, but each day I choose him less and less, and I know there will be a time when I won’t want to choose him at all.
I stopped following Shay on Snapchat the other day. It wasn’t out of anger or spite, but I couldn’t stand to see snippets of his life. It was so painful watching moments of happiness that I didn’t get to be a part of, so for my sanity, I had to let go. I don’t even know if he noticed because he never looked at my snapchat stories, but the following day he unfollowed me on instagram. It hurt, and it seemed so silly it hurt. It’s so silly that something as stupid as social media could make me feel like the relationship lost meaning. But it hasn’t, and no matter if we never speak or see one another again, he will always be a first for me. I just sometimes wish he could have been the last too.
Social media is a powerful tool. It allows you access into someones life, but I think so often we forget that it allows people to show us their best moments, not the painful ones. I relied so much on gaining insight into my exes life through social media that I started to convince myself that he wasn’t hurting. That he was okay without me and he didn’t miss me at all. But break ups aren’t easy, and it’s hard to lose someone you shared so much with.
Social media is a tricky thing with our generation. Before, if you broke up with someone, you didn’t have to worry about seeing them. You could walk away and not have to be with constant connection to them, but in today’s world that’s not the case. We are constantly connected and at the same time disconnected. We never truly know how someone feels, but we will make assumptions based off of what we see.
I originally met Shay with social media, and I was so thankful for Tinder that I would rave about it to everyone. Here I am again with Tinder and I can’t stand it. How I met anyone through it will remain a mystery to me. But after the break up I would look at Shay’s Tinder profile. It was fun reading our first conversation together and seeing that he hadn’t updated it signifying he hasn’t been on it. But today when I went to look at it, it was gone. He either unmatched me so I couldn’t see him anymore or he deleted his profile completely. I highly doubt it was the latter. This small action hurt. I was physically and emotionally distraught over my ex pursuing someone else when, for the past few weeks, I have been exploring other people. What I don’t understand is why he seems to be distancing himself from me when he’s the one who ended things and wanted to remain friends. If anything, I should have been the one to remove him. But here I am, affected by something I can’t control, and something so stupid as a follow on social media.
I try and convince myself everyday I’m over Shay, but the fact that these things bother me is an indicator that I’m not. But the good thing is, it only hurts for a little bit. I noticed now, that with time, it feels like a bandaid being ripped off. It stings and my heart drops, but I pick myself right back up and keep moving forward. My mind has now started to back up my heart and be a reinforcement for it. Reminding myself that I deserve so much better than what I had, and that a heart this big needs a man to hold it, not a boy.