Being in your twenties is fun. You get to make a lot of stupid mistakes as you navigate your way through life hoping that you don’t fuck up just bad enough to ruin your future. I mean that’s what this is all about right? Making mistakes and figuring out exactly what you want?
Last night I had a crazy night. I went out with some friends to West Hollywood and pretty much stayed until the club shut down. I’m not a big fan of the whole gay scene. The more I’m a part of it the more I learn how shady and scarred the people are in it. For example, substance abuse is a big thing in gay culture. I don’t know why, but a lot of gay men that I have encountered suffer from drug or alcohol addiction. Not everyone is like that, but it’s alarming the more I learn about it. It scares me that there aren’t very many quality guys out there.
My night was so crazy because I was drunk. Not blackout, but the gin was pouring and I didn’t really stop it. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to let loose. The time to be reckless is now, and I want to take advantage of it. I still want to be safe, but I want to push the boundaries a bit. Yet I can tell you this is playing with fire and there is no way I can keep it up and not get burned.
Last night I decided to go home with this guy I had talked to over a year ago but never officially met. Turns out he has the same personality as Mo, so that’s why I must have been so drawn to him. The problem, however, was that when I was Ubering to his place my phone died, and I didn’t know if this dude lived in an apartment or a house.
When I arrived at what was a beautiful house, I got out and knocked on the door. Let me remind you all this was about at 4 am, and if this wasn’t his house, I was probably going to get the police called on me. No response on the door, just my luck. So I sneak into the backyard of the house. Okay, yes, I know it’s crazy. If this really wasn’t his house and someone found me crawling around the backyard I could have been shot for intrusion. As I snuck into the back I saw a guy laying in bed and I immediately ran away. It didn’t look like my friend, so I started wandering the streets trying to remain calm and figuring out what to do to get home.
As I’m walking I see a parking structure and go inside, assuming I would find a security guard who could call me a cab. Instead I run into a couple waiting in the lobby and I drunkenly try to ask them for help. The girl gives me a portable charger and I get my phone started. Thank God for them, or I would have been royally fucked. I honestly thought I would end up sleeping on the street. I text the guy who I was supposed to meet to see if he was still up, and luckily he was so I walked back.
When he opened the door he immediately went into kissing me. It was great, but the alcohol dried out my mouth and I probably tasted disgusting. As much as I wanted to be intimate with him my heart was no where in it. I don’t know what the deal is. I bash people for mindless hook ups and here I am with someone I barely know. And for what? Honestly, I think I do it to forget. To get Shay out of my head and to force myself to move on. It’s stupid I know, but I will learn.
We didn’t really do anything except make out and cuddle, and personally I didn’t want anything beyond that. STD’s are a real thing, and they scare the crap out of me. I mean, who wants to have something like that for the rest of their life? That’s why hook up culture scares me, but here I am still playing a role in it and I’m mad at myself for it.
When we were together, we talked about the people we loved and past hurts. It was odd, here I was in an intimate setting with someone but we were talking about how we were in love with someone else. And I started to realize that people did this often. When I would meet with someone new, we usually ended up talking about love and those who we miss. We try and say we are over them, but I can tell in the way people describe their past loves that a part of them isn’t. For example I had a date the other day, and I knew it wasn’t someone I could see a relationship with, so I poised the question if he has ever been in love. I knew where the conversation would lead, and I ended up talking about Shay. But he even opened up about his ex, and said that he is occasionally still sad about it.
It was in these moments when I finally realized that we all carry the weight of someone else on our hearts. And even as we try to go out and meet new people, we can’t seem to let go of the ones we love/loved. So it made me wonder, will there always be someone else? Someone no longer in the picture that we will have to compete with? I’m not in a place where I even want to be with someone, but if I was interested in someone and they still felt strong feelings for someone else, how would I deal with that? Why do we struggle to let go of the people who don’t want to be with us?
I still miss Shay, and I think about him everyday. I have met great guys since the break up, but they all have their own Shay’s too. I think we’re all just a bunch of broken hearts looking for someone who resembles the pieces that we lost. I just hope we find them.