I will never understand emotions. I mean, how can anyone? They’re constantly changing and constantly moving, so how can anyone settle on a consistency with love? I still think of Shay. There hasn’t been a day since we started dating that I haven’t thought about him. It’s been one month since my break up and he’s still a persistent thought in my head. he doesn’t go away, and as much as I try, I still wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s thinking of me, or if I never cross his mind. I wonder if he sometimes wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to him, and I wonder why love went away.
During our relationship he created this digital photo album on an app and shared it with me. The photos were all the ones we wished we could post publicly. There were photos of us kissing and expressing our love, and with each photo he wrote a little caption. Funny things that expressed that moment or his heart. I came across it the other day and my heart wept for understanding and those memories. There is a photo of us kissing on his parents boat and he captioned it “boat rocking and heart pounding <3.” And it hit me. How could that moment, that caption, and that photo not have been love? It was love, but then it raised the question, where did it go? How could that have just disappeared? I don’t understand it and I so desperately want the answer’s, but I don’t think I could handle it. Do I really want to know the reason why he stopped loving me? Why his heart stopped pounding. Yes and no, but one things for sure, my heart hasn’t. Yet life has a funny way of making you forget.
Today at work, I had to work a political event for the radio station. During the event I went to go talk to my co-worker Britt. While talking to her I glanced up and saw this handsome gentleman standing in a nice navy suit. He looked oddly familiar and I kept glancing up at him. About halfway through the conversation Britt stops me and goes, “Stop looking at him he’s mine.” I didn’t even know I was being that obvious about it, but clearly I am not subtle when I find someone attractive. It then hit me that I recognized this guy because he is best friends with a friend of mine from high school and I used to stalk his facebook because I thought he was cute. Here was the guy I have always crushed on from afar but never met. I knew he was gay because I had asked my friend awhile back and I broke the news to Britt. She was not happy, but I was. I asked him if he knew my friend Russel and then we started talking. I found out he’s a lawyer and a christian and we talked for quite a bit. I was subtly trying to flirt, but if it’s anything like how I look at someone who is attractive, it wasn’t subtle at all. He made a comment that I was good looking and I knew I had an in. After awhile Britt approaches me and says I should get to work because our boss is watching. I think she was just trying to cock block because she was bitter, but I said goodbye to him and got back to work. Before we parted he added me on Facebook so hopefully we will talk again soon.
As I was struggling carrying signs outside, a very fancy car pulls up next me and goes “so they got you on sign duty?” I turned to see it was the hot lawyer and I was immediately embarrassed. Here he was in this nice car as I’m literally dropping signs as I walk. I sure do know how to make a good impression. I laughed and we had quick banter before he drove off. He didn’t have to stop to talk to me again, but him stopping reassured this idea that we maybe have a connection.
The whole reason I am telling this story is because for those few minutes I spent talking to the guy I stalked and by chance finally met, I wasn’t thinking of Shay. I was completely mesmerized by someone else and by the possibility of a future love. My heart was able to think of something else, of someone else. I may never be with the dreamy lawyer, but It was nice to know that I felt okay with the idea of not having Shay. I was okay with having to move on because I had met someone I would want to invest my time in. Someone who ignited all of my senses. Immediately after the encounter, however, I thought of Shay again. But this time, I thought about how if I met someone else who sparked something in me like dreamy lawyer, I knew I would be okay. This is why I say feelings are weird. Because I feel like I still love Shay, but I was also content seeing my future with someone else.