Sometimes, I’m Not Okay.

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I’m upset. I’m hurt by my breakup with Shay, and as much as I say I’m okay, I know a part of me is not. It hurts to have someone you love, or who you thought you loved, turn to you and say that they don’t love you anymore. It just makes me think what was all of it for? What did the kisses mean? Was the love making for our first time merely sex, or did it hold more meaning than an act of lust? I was his first and he was mine, and I almost regret giving myself fully to someone who decided I wasn’t worth keeping anymore.

I knew we wouldn’t work. All the signs were there. The first day I met him I got into a car crash. That should have been the first sign we would have ended with a bang. He abandoned me on the side of a mountain when I was in the middle of a panic attack, and later when I tried to explain the situation he called me embarrassing and dramatic. He accidentally burnt the only form of writing I had from him that said I love you. He broke a lamp in my room the day before the breakup. I mean the signs were there, I just wasn’t listening.

I called him the other day to see if there was a future for us, and he regretfully said no. I mean what was I expecting? Him to show up at my door regretting his choice for the break up and begging for me to come back? It would be nice, however, for someone to fight for me. To have someone begging for my love knowing that they fucked up in letting me go. But that wasn’t the case with Shay. He didn’t come knocking on my door. He never texted or called asking for me back. He didn’t and he doesn’t want anything romantic with me anymore, and honestly that’s okay. What is not okay, and what doesn’t bode well with me, is the fact that leading up to the break up he was still saying he loved me. It wasn’t until the actual breakup when he couldn’t say he loved me and instead replaced it with, “I really care about you.”

If he was having doubts I just wish he would have talked to me. He would have tried to work through them with me, but when he came to me his mind was already made up and there was no hope for me. I just let him go because there was nothing there for me to fight for. And looking back, there isn’t anything actually worth fighting for. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. And as much as it hurts to lose someone, is it really a loss if they can’t see your beauty or worth?

During the course of our relationship I would always pose the question, “Do you love me?” I would say it in a cute manner, I thought it was just our thing, but sometimes he would get upset when I asked. Maybe that wasn’t an appropriate question, but I think maybe I asked  because  subconsciously I knew something was off. I just wish he would have been man enough to say no, especially if that’s what he felt. If you truly care about someone, and you want to make it work, you will do everything in your power to make it work. But I was his first relationship, and I think he has a lot to learn before he could have been where I thought we were.

He also thought the perfect relationship is one in which people don’t fight, and although that sounds ideal, it is not realistic. He would say we fight too much when I wasn’t even fighting but merely disagreeing. There’s a difference between a fight and a disagreement, but he couldn’t see that. He told me that in order to make the relationship work I would have to never get upset. I tried, but that stopped me from being myself and that’s not a life I was able to live. I do hope he finds that person who will never fight with him, but good luck with that. Fighting to me is passion. It means you actually care about something enough to speak out about it. I’m filled with passion, and I think that it was too much for him to handle.

I’m not perfect, and I know I have my faults, but the difference between him and me is that I can acknowledge and own up to that. If i’m falling short I want to fix it. I will do anything to make my partner feel loved, I just haven’t found anyone who would do the same for me.

Relationships are hard work sometimes, and I fear my generation would rather give up than get up and work at it. We start to believe there is someone out there who could be easier to love, so we give up what we have to pursue this easy love. It’s sad, but it’s true. I may be hard to love sometimes, but I think we all are. We are human and we have faults. There is no “perfect” relationship. You make it perfect by accepting the imperfections and learning to love what you can’t control. I just sometimes fear I’m the only one who understands that.

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