I think I like to pretend I understand love, but sometimes I question if that is even true. Love, to me, has been this thing I have alway strived for. It’s what I always wanted, so I started to give it freely and easily to anyone who stuck around long enough to make me feel it. Were they deserving of my love? No. But they made me feel incredible things, and the only way I knew how to express that was with the words, “I love you.”
I was once told I fall in love too easily, and at the time, that greatly offended me. I don’t think anyone wants to be told their love comes easy. But I think it’s true, and everything inside myself doesn’t want it to be. So I’ve begun to ask myself, what is love, and why do I keep thinking I have found it? And honestly, maybe I have. Maybe I have stumbled on parts of love and confused it for the whole thing. But I know in my heart I haven’t found that crazy wild love. The one that connects to the soul and makes you believe there is no one else in this world made for you. The one that rocks your world in both body and spirit. The one that inspires you and pushes you to grow. The one you just couldn’t possibly live without. That’s the love I’m always looking for when I say “I love you,” but that’s not the love that has been receiving those words. And that is what upsets me. I’m upset that I have abused the one thing I thought I was always keeping sacred. I have been giving my heart to freely, and just because someone asks for it, doesn’t mean they deserve it.
My goal for my next relationship, whomever that might be with, is to not push love. I’m not going to give my heart away just to have it returned back to me when they decide they no longer want it. No, the next time I say I love you it’s going to be for that wild love. The one that deserves to be loved will be the one that gets my love. I know it sounds like common sense, but sometimes the most basic and simple tasks take the most overthinking.