Doodles

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Today I hung out with Mo again. I haven’t seen him in over a month since him and I last talked. In our last meeting we discussed everything I was feeling and I shared with him the blog post I wrote before this one. That post was transcribed straight out of my journal. It was the only way I could express everything he made me feel, and the only way I could explain everything that was going on in this overactive head of mine. This is the first time I’ve seen him with the intention of being just a friend.

I was terrified. When I walked into his house it all hit me. The smells, the memories, and the emotional feelings all hit me like a succession of cars. I thought I was drowning, but I held my head up. I took it all in, and honestly, I was ok. Nothing hurt me the way I thought it all would. But I did take half of a mind relaxer before I got in to ensure I was calm, cool, and collected, however, I felt like it did nothing. I should have taken the whole thing.

I walked into his room and looked for the Calvin and Hobbes drawing I drew him. There it was, still up on a shelf facing his bed. It was something I always wanted him to notice when he got up in the morning. A little peace of me in his daily life. His bed looked the same and all I could picture was us cuddling in it. Encasing ourselves in a warm embrace and shutting our eyes to go to sleep. I sometimes wish we could have that moment one more time. It was nice to be in his room again.

I read his travel journal in the kitchen while he made a pie. It sorta felt like some fantasy, me reading and him baking. It was nice and relaxing. Our conversations flowed smoothly, and for that, I am thankful. I’m thankful we didn’t have any awkwardness between us, it was honestly my biggest fear. He asked me a lot about dating and I thought that was weird. Dating and romance wasn’t his thing, but maybe he was asking because he knew love was my favorite thing. He asked about the relationship I was in, he must of been stalking my Facebook, and I explained it to him. I was in a relationship with a boy named Corey. Corey was and is wonderful. He gave me everything I always wanted from Mo. He gave me love, attention, and his heart. He gave me all the things I ever wanted a guy to give me, yet for some reason, I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for the love I always dreamed of having. It didn’t feel like the timing was right, and It overwhelmed me. I honestly don’t want love right now. I have no desire to date and start anything with anyone, and I told Mo all that. I told him that, yes I’ve been offered plenty of dates and hook ups, but I just didn’t have time or desires for them. I wanted to focus on me. He was shocked by all this. This was not the same boy he met almost a year ago. He said he was “impressed,” but a part of me feels like maybe my new “I don’t need love” mindset is bad to him. I couldn’t really tell. It wasn’t until I was leaving when I ran into our friend Kendall and she remarked how I seemed older. She commented that I seemed more mature, and honestly I feel like I’ve grown since I’ve last seen them all. Yes, I still have much more growing up to do, but I feel like I’m on the right track.

Since Mo was so inquisitive about my dating life, I of course returned the favor and asked about his. I didn’t want to know because I wasn’t sure how I could handle hearing about him and other boys, but I asked the question anyway. He had met up with a few people from Tinder and he was “crushing” on a few guys he knew absolutely nothing about. I think what hurt the most was the fact that the guys and I all resembled each other. We all had a similar look of a boyish face, brown hair/eyes, and good looking features. If he was going to date someone who looked like me, why not just date me? But overall, hearing him talk about other people that peaked his interest didn’t bother me. It didn’t sting how I thought it would. I was ok with hearing it, and in return, was actually responsive and supportive to it all. Maybe because a part of me doesn’t think anything will come of it, or maybe because I am in fact over it. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I don’t feel pain for it.

We got tea and coffee in this place called the OC mix and it was gorgeous there. It made me want to live in Orange County, but too bad everything I need for my career is in Los Angeles. I like the OC scene so much better. Over tea and coffee we continued our chats about dating and what not. He kept bringing it up, and I wondered why he wanted me to go out so much. I told him I felt no rush to fall in love, and I’m serious when I say that. I just want to live and explore. I’m not opposed to love, but I have no desire to go out and make my life goal about finding it again. It’ll come, and when it does, I will have open arms. Hopefully.

While we drank tea and coffee, we begun to doodle together. I kept trying to sketch his face but I failed. I may be good at drawing, but people are not my forte. So while I was away in the bathroom, he began to form my failed attempts of his face into a doodle. When I returned he gave me a chance to continue the doodle. Let me just say that doodling is hard for me. It’s hard for me to break away from structure of drawing and draw freely without a plan and see where it takes me. My wandering spirit also loves guidance and perfection. Mo could see the thoughts flowing through my head. Me trying to carefully plan what the doodle would and should be. I would add something to the doodle, and being struck with uncertainty, I would try to erase it. This, however, was not allowed by Mo. He chided me every time I wanted to erase, remarking, “The fun part about messing up, you get to turn it into different things.” And that’s when it hit me. Mo was a mistake in a doodle. He was someone I wish I could have erased and drawn over, but we can’t erase people or memories. We can only either move on from it or use it to build something else. That’s what I was doing. I was using this day, and whatever future relationship we are to have, as a continuation of a doodle I began to draw a year ago. I wasn’t erasing Mo, but I was taking what we had and turning it into something else. Relationships are all doodles. They’re all creations that we allow to flow freely and we follow to see where they go. Sometimes they turn into art. Other times they just become scribbles on a piece of paper. A paper we sometimes crumble up and throw away to try and start over. But sometimes, we look at an old untouched doodle and see it’s potential. We see the greatness that something could become with just a little bit of time and effort. We see a bigger picture. We see the masterpiece.

The reason I’m writing this post is because no matter where Mo falls in my life he will always be the boy who made me feel. I don’t know what it is about him, but he makes me feel emotions I’ve never felt before, and they are indescribable. He makes me selfless and it’s an incredible feeling. I feel safe with him and I would trust him with my life. Yes, I barely know him. It hasn’t even been a year, but something in my spirit is linked to something in him. This is a rare feeling I’m scared I will never feel again. It’s not superficial and it exceeds all the boundaries that the world could try to place up between us. I just wish I could make him feel as special and wonderful as he makes me feel. I wish something in me sparks something as powerful in him. I wish all connections with people could feel like this. Innocent, selfless, and pure, but if all connections were how would we know which ones were special? If life were only moments how would we know we had one? It’s weird because the feelings he makes me feel are out of this world. That sounds so cheesy to say, but it’s true. He takes me away from the world when I’m with him and I feel like it’s just us two left on Earth. Is that what love is? Is that what love feels like? The crazy thing is, I feel all this without the romance. He didn’t kiss, he didn’t hold my hand, nor did he make a move. I felt all this by just being in his presence, and that was enough. I didn’t desire any of that other stuff, although it would have been nice. Being around him makes me feel surreal and it’s frightening. As my best friend said, “It’s called joy. He melts your icy heart.” Maybe I don’t need him as a lover, maybe I just need him in my life as a constant reminder of what it’s like to be human and to love. To feel and to be vulnerable. Maybe that’s his role.

I’m not letting go of Mo because he makes me feel incredible feelings, and I’m not going to let someone who influences my life so much just casually walk out of it. No I’m not waiting for him as my lover. No I’m not holding out so he will one day be mine. I don’t think he ever will be, but I do know he is meant to be in my life. Mo is not the type of boy you have that typical love story with. He’s the best friend you’ve always had but never knew you could love. He’s the boy who doesn’t go about love the way you would see in movies or books. He just lives. You don’t meet him and fall in mutual love. With him, I get the feeling love grows over time. He’s the doodle you pick up again to see where it might go. Him and I may not have a love story, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a story. I tried to force him to see our bigger picture, but the sketch was just not there yet. So I guess I’ll just keep on doodling.

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