How Great it Feels to Feel

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I never knew I could feel so much. It actually scares me. I’ve always been selfish. I only ever think of myself and what I’m facing. I shut out so many people because I don’t selflessly reach out. By now most of my friends are ok with it. They understand that that’s just me, but I now realize there’s another layer to me.

I’ve never had someone make me feel so much until Mo came into my life. It overwhelmed me and took me completely by surprise. I still can recall the day I met him. It was on a Sunday, and already that weekend I experienced a weird date on Friday and an awkward night in Hollywood with friends that Saturday. I didn’t even bother to try to look my best to meet him, I was over it before it even started, yet I spent the entire day with him. I can still remember the lingering cup of orange juice in his car and how he had an accent when he said “orange.”

We went to the tide pools and I really wanted him to find a starfish. He never did, but then I created this whole romantic story in my mind that in the future he would get me a starfish and say something stupid like, “I finally got you one,” and then kiss me. This was just a disappointment because he can’t read my mind and he would never do that.

I’ve created a lot of roles for him in my head and it’s not fair. I can’t get mad that reality did not match my expectations. Do our expectations really ever exceed the cold truth of what is real? It’s sad because I never really had him, but losing him feels like I’m losing a piece of myself, and I realize that’s because I did. When you love someone you give them a piece of your soul that no one has ever seen, touched, or experienced before. I gave him art. I wrote him poetry, and I expressed my heart. These are rare gifts I’ve given to almost no one. Each of those contained a small piece of me that I will never get back. I’m not mad I gave them away. It’s not like he asked for any of them. I’m just honestly surprised I had all that inside of me.

I knew I was capable of intense feelings, but I never knew I could feel that much. Honestly, I would not be able to answer why I did or do. I just do. I know I’m going to be ok, and I know I will get passed all this and one day reflect upon it, but for now I’m going to let it affect me. I’m not going to slap on a smile and pretend I don’t feel pain because I do, and honestly, in a weird way I’m happy to feel. Some people never feel love and to me that’s so sad. But I know there is more to life than romantic love. I don’t want to fall into the trap that that’s the only type of love, because I know it’s not in the slightest true. To feel anything is to love, and I want to keep doing that.

Seeing Mo again recently in January was hard. I had invited him to the show I was performing in, but we hadn’t spoken in a long time and I didn’t feel like reaching out to him again to invite him. As I previously wrote, Mo and I are no more. In September we had our little breakup and we stopped talking. It wasn’t until a month later in October to celebrate my birthday did we talk again, but my most recent encounter changed everything.

In October I invited him to come celebrate my birthday with my friends and I. He promised to come and he did. We went out for breakfast at midnight in honor of Taylor Swift’s song 22. I was turning 22 at midnight and I thought it would be a fun thing to do. I drove Mo to and from the restaurant, and when we got back to my house, I walked him to his car. We were standing in the street at 2 am under the moonlit sky and he reached in to kiss me. My world ignited. We proceeded to get into his car and a more intense hook up occurred. It was the perfect ending to my 22nd birthday.

After what I thought was him showing that he liked me, he didn’t talk to me. He never invited me to hangout and I never invited him. My pride stopped me from being the one to put all the effort back into the relationship. Come a month later in November, the city by his house was having auditions for my favorite musical. Perfect! I went to the audition with one of his friends and I concocted this whole plan. His friend and I would get cast, become good friends, and spend all our time at Mo’s. It was a flawless plan, except for the fact I ended up getting cast and she didn’t. I rehearsed that show for two months and not once did I see Mo.

Since him and I stopped talking in November I didn’t plan to see him in the audience for the show. As I previously mentioned, I mentioned it to him back in November. Apparently he bought a ticket the first day they went on sale and he surprised me opening night.

I saw him during the opening number of my play and after my dance I went backstage and had a mini panic attack. I honestly didn’t know what to say once I saw him after the show. It crushed me when I saw he was there with our mutual friend Casey. My mind assumed they were “talking” and that thought drove me insane. It hurts me to think about him loving someone and me knowing I wasn’t good enough to be the one he loved. I’ll get over it, but for now it stings. I think back to the start and wish I played things differently. I wish I kept my mouth shut and never shared interest. I always think that maybe if I did that he would have been the one to fall. I can’t help but think I’m the reason everything went wrong. Did I honestly ask for too much? All I wanted was the  certainty that he liked me. In my mind that never seemed like too much.

I always joke and say he is incapable of love. That he possesses no romantic substance, but I know that’s not true. Just because someone doesn’t feel emotions for you does not mean they don’t feel. It just means you didn’t spark anything in them to ignite a fire. I literally did all I could think of to impress him. I thought my passion and success in acting would make me desirable. I thought my talent, looks, and personality would be enough. I even thought opening my heart would do the trick, yet I don’t know if any of that made a difference. I feel like the more you want something the more you ultimately push it away. I wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to think about me. I wanted him to imagine his future and consider me in it. I wanted him to want me, but the whole time we wanted different things.

He told me I was always a question. I think of this as some mystery he couldn’t solve. I was a question yet I wanted to be his answer. I wanted to be the first one that he had let hold his heart. He finally found the answer to me, he doesn’t like me. He doesn’t like me and the fact that he could go awhile without ever knowing what’s happening in my life is proof of that. Looking back he never asked me what was going on in my life. It was always me learning about him. Maybe that’s why I was the one who fell. Love may be different for everyone, but some of it’s the same. If you like someone you want to be involved in their life and you make an effort to be.

He told me I was too good for him. Which simply translates into, “You deserve better love than I can give you.”  This mindset of his probably comes from him knowing that I have this insane ability to feel, but that’s funny because I’m not usually the boy who feels. Yet this is the only boy he knows because he is one of the rare people to actually make me feel. He’s seen a side of me that no one see’s or knows and that’s scary, but there nothing I can do to change that. You can put make up on a pig but it’s still a pig. I know there is nothing I can say that would make a difference. The boy who morphs words can’t use them now to change life. For once words no longer have power or meaning. The only thing to do is to let go. Let him live his life and move on with mine. I don’t have to shut him out completely, I’m very capable of being his friend, but how do you be friends with someone when a part of you secretly wants more?

I would come up with a million reasons why he never wanted more than friendship.

He’s actually straight.

He’s scared to come out.

He’s broken.

He’s afraid of commitment.

Multiple reasons that probably bear no truth. The truth is simple, you want what you can’t have and he knew he could have me. There was no challenge. No more chase, and I bet he could taste that every time we kissed.

He did say something once that stuck to me. When we went to Lacma and I was asking him about coming out he said he feared that people would say, “I thought so.” He never wanted to prove anyone right. I’m sure that has nothing to do with me, but I still remember it. I secretly wish that were the reason.

I can’t help but think that he thinks I’m crazy. Some dramatic kid that he wishes he never got involved with. Trouble he does not want to deal with. I think this because I thought this about others who expressed feelings for me. It sounds awful to say, but a lot of people have liked me. It’s all I’ve ever really known. I’ve grown up being told I’m special and I assumed everyone saw that. I’m not used to having feelings for some one and not having them reciprocated. I don’t know what to do in those types of situations. Maybe this was just some built up karma against me. Why shouldn’t I feel heartache after all? I’m not special. I’m average, and I’m human.

I never wanted to hold Mo back. He’s a free spirit and I admired that. I wanted to share that with him. I fell in love with the world in him. What I liked so much about him might be selfish, but it’s what drew me to him.

Mo made me feel normal. Being gay was no longer a big deal and I didn’t feel different because my emotions were for a guy. He was the first one in over a year since Scott left to make me feel like that, yet he also made me feel all the bad that Scott left me with. He never wanted me to compare him to Scott, but I can’t help it. The feelings they both left me with are closely linked. You’ll always remember the people who made you feel.

I’m trying to stain this page with everything I feel so it doesn’t just remain in my life like a leech. I’ve known for awhile Mo didn’t feel the same, but I’m a person who can never give up on what he wants. Pursue, Persist, and Persevere. The 3 P’s that I’ve always tried to live by. The third P is just the hardest. It seems so counterintuitive to give up on him, to let him go.I would just feel disappointment in myself, be he reassures me I’ll feel disappointment if I try to stay.

I don’t know what I want, and I sure as hell don’t know what I need. I’m so young with so much before me that I want to accomplish. I always thought I needed to have love right now. I wanted it. Everyone around me on Facebook is getting married and I never really had a real serious relationship. I keep thinking I need one, but I don’t. I don’t need love right now. I honestly only need to keep pursuing my goals and to share that journey with incredible people. That’s all I ever think I wanted anyway. I wanted to share my journey with Mo.

I panic about my future.

I regret things I’ve down in the past. 

I love and I lust.

And I hope and pray, that I don’t ever fail to remember, how great it feels to just feel.

– The Maine

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