Just Keep Swimming

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Sometimes love isn’t a fantasy. It isn’t a storybook that you pop into and live happily ever after. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you bite the poisonous apple and there is no prince who comes to save you. You aren’t awoken by true loves kiss. There is no knight to rescue you from your tower and to slay your dragons. Sometimes, love is just you all on your own.

As I wrote previously, I met someone wonderful. Someone great. Someone who I would of been proud to parade around and tell the world, “Yep! I’m the lucky guy who get’s to call him mine.” He inspired me to write more. He became my muse and led me to believe in love again.

I knew I liked Mo a lot sooner than he liked me. After our first date I knew I was in for some trouble. I tried to be calm, slow, and patient. Basically, I tried to do and be the opposite of everything I am.

I am not calm.

I am not slow.

I most definitely am not patient.

But I did tone my normal self down. Well, tried.

After our second date I wanted to do something special for him. Something to really impress him. I grabbed a piece of paper and started drawing. I am a pretty good artist, and I wanted to draw him something awesome to show off my talent. Who wouldn’t fall for someone who drew them a kick ass picture?

I knew immediately what I should draw. He is obsessed with Calvin and Hobbes so that’s exactly what I drew. He loves to travel so I cut out my drawing and glued it to this really awesome paper that looked like a map. I also knew I wanted to add a quote onto it. Quotes make everything perfect. I googled Calvin and Hobbes quotes, but none caught my eye, so I did some stalking. I looked at Mo’s Facebook profile and right there in all his info was a quote from Calvin and Hobbes. I hit the jackpot. I snagged that quote and added it to my drawing like a cherry on a cake. It was perfect. I thought, “He’s going to think I chose his favorite quote at random and it’ll be a sign I’m a perfect catch!” I was like a teeny boppy girl with a little school girls crush. I also signed it and put a gold star next to it. The gold star is because, well, one day I’ll be a super star. Might as well start showing the world now.

I gave him my drawing the next time I saw him and he absolutely loved it. I was so happy. He even proceeded to get it framed and now it sits in his room. I put so much feeling into that drawing and I believe it shows when you look at it. It took a lot of work, but it was worth it.

I thought this would snag him, but It didn’t feel like enough. I really liked this boy so I was going to pull out all the stops to win.

You see I have this motto in life. It goes a little something like this.

“Pursue, Persist, and Persevere.”

Basically, go after the stuff you want. Don’t quit, give it your all, and succeed. That’s exactly what I was going to do with Mo.

See the last boy I liked before him was a boy named Scott. Scott was my first everything, and by everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I fell for him so hard but he turned his back on me. I was just a game to him and he won. Game over. That was about a year ago and since Mo showed up, I haven’t truly liked anyone since. That’s why I’m surprised and passionate for Mo.

It’s funny because Mo is not my type of guy. I always imagined I would end up with someone tall and model handsome. Mo is shorter than me and a goofy charming handsome. Immediately when I saw him I checked him off my list, but like I said earlier, after our first hangout ended I was hooked. I looked past everything that held me back and I saw him for who he truly was, an amazing guy. He actually turned out to be everything I wanted in a guy. I think the clincher was when he pretended to pick my nose. I did that to people all the time, and here was this random stranger who did it to? It was a sign.

We continued to date and I described most of them in my previous post. About 2 or 3 weeks in I brought up exclusivity. I wasn’t asking for a relationship, I just wanted us to focus on getting to know one another and no one else. I wanted us to be WALKING in the direction of relationship.

He deflected. He said it felt too soon, and I bought it. I understood that it was quick. See I’m not used to the slow pace of things. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t take me long to realize I like someone. It just takes me a long time before I find someone worth liking. So I thought, “Ok I’ll slow down. It’ll be worth it.” But then came Burning Man.

Burning Man is a week long free spirit event in the middle of the Nevada Desert. Mo had snagged himself a ticket and he was going to be gone for a week. I know it’s not long, but the week before he was leaving I was going to be gone for a week so it was two weeks without seeing each other. I got a little panicky. I kept thinking he was going to meet someone wonderful at this event and fall in love and forget about me. So I tried desperately to snag him up before he left.

In the midst of all our dating I tried making good impressions. I sent him all the commercials and tv spots I’ve been on in hopes that he would be like, “Damn this guy is amazing I need to date him!” Yet, I don’t think it really worked.

I had a plan for our last date before he left for Burning Man. I don’t know why, but I felt like I was losing him. I had to act fast and I had to express my emotions the best I could, so I turned to poetry. I wrote him a poem that expressed everything I felt up to that point. Here it is. (Disclaimer: It’s much better performed than on paper.)

“You’re not the type of guy I thought I’d like.

You’re so different than what I thought was “right.”

See I always saw love as a fantasy,

This ultimate romance for the world to see.

The knight in shining armor,

The handsome prince whose love I’ll harbor.

But you’re the type of guy id play and tease.

The one who would get close but I’d release.

However, you took my rules and flipped them upside down.

You shattered my illusions and threw my games around.

Because when it came to you I lost my words,

I forgot who I was and my life became absurd.

The boy who was so calm, cool, and collected

Finally lost more than he had ever expected.

I don’t know what it is but you’re something else,

Not something generic you can go buy from a shelf.

You’re unique, different, and fun,

You cause my mind to constantly run.

I’m trying to be calm and cool,

Go back to that boy you knocked from his pedestal.

But I seem to say everything wrong,

I fear Ill scare you away and you’ll be gone.

Which is fine by me if you leave,

But please just try to do it gently.

I’m trying to do everything right.

Play the game and fight the fight.

But I’m a horrible player,

And I fear I reveal too many layers.

Be myself is what I’m told,

But what happens when myself begins to get too old?

See that’s the thing, no one ever makes me insecure,

But you came in and now I’m always left unsure.

You don’t want to hurt me yes I understand,

But I hate that you think you have control and full command.

It’s words like that that leave me scared.

It’s because I’m in a field in which I’m unprepared.

But I’m a man who can take a hit.

You’re only one of many who may fit.

You’ve expressed to me two fears you have within.

That I’ll like you too soon or me you will not win.

But I don’t think either is the case,

And I’m all about this game of chase.

I may move too quick and say something wrong,

But I know what I want and sometimes it doesn’t take too long.

But I understand that others may differ,

Their timing is slower not quicker.

They are patient, thoughtful, and slow

They take their time to realize and fully know.

And in the meantime I can wait,

Or I could get fed up and go on other dates.

But I’m still discovering what’s right to do,

This game of dating was made for two.

I enjoy spending time with you, that I know.

And nothing else matters, not even a label to show.

Just seeing you can make me smile,

I just want to know I do that to you every once in awhile.

But take your time and go explore,

Because ill also be out looking for more.

But I like you, yeah it’s true,

And I can move at whatever pace you want me too.

See you’re not a fantasy and you’re not a prince,

But you’re a reality I would never want to miss. ”

My plan was to find an open mic night and perform this poem live in front of him and a room full of strangers. This was it. This was going to seal the deal and make him want me as much as I wanted him. I would die if someone did this for me. I think it’s probably one of the most romantic things ever.

I found this cafe in LA and they had open mic nights every night. Perfect. My plan was working. I picked Mo up and we drove to the cafe. We both got tea and sat down to enjoy the other performers. It was a whole bunch of comedians making a whole bunch of jokes about sex and women. Not one person in that whole damn cafe was gay. This was just my luck. I was about to perform a gay love poem in front a room of straight comedian men. I was terrified.

All the performers performed and the host started packing up. Shit! I wanted to perform this poem that I had written Mo. I knew I needed to speak up or I was going to miss my chance. I don’t know what happened, but by the grace of God the host looks at me and goes, “Did you want to perform?”

“Uh… Yes.” I muttered.

The host said ok and started setting everything back up again for me. Holy shit I was really going to do this. I walked up to what was supposed to be a stage and sat down. I had no clue what I was going to say. How do I tell them this is a poem about a boy? So I grabbed the mic and tried to be funny.

“Uh things are about to get gay in here.”

Nothing. I thought they would laugh. Crickets.

“I wrote this when I was really high.”

Total lie. Still nothing. Just start Kevin. Just start.

And I started. I stared right at Mo and sent all my words at him. I performed as if I was just performing for him and no one else was there. I was terrified but I kept going. I had to say this. He had to hear it. He needed to know how I felt. I had to impress him.

Let me explain to you all why I felt so insecure with Mo and needed to do all these grand gestures. He never texted me. He never flirted with me. Only when I was with him did I feel special. I felt like he truly really liked me, but when I was away from him I had nothing to hold onto. I think thats why I also wanted exclusivity. I wanted some security that he wasn’t going to just change his mind and walk away. I wanted to feel safe because I could feel myself getting ready to start giving my heart away and I knew it was going to hurt. That’s not bad to want right? Something to hold onto?

So I left him with that poem before he left. I signed it and of course gold starred it and also sprayed it with my cologne. I made sure he always thought of me. I thought I had this in the bag.

Before he left he also mentioned we could discuss exclusivity when he got back. He just got back this past week and I was so excited. I hate to admit it, but I did miss him. I couldn’t wait to see him.

He returned home with some new friends and I was so jealous. I was jealous because he was going to have a special bond with these friends. A bond you can only acquire at Burning Man. They were going to be special to him, and that’s all I ever wanted to be.

On our first date since his return I didn’t want to bring up exclusivity again, but I had to know. Where DID I fit into his life. It was eating away at me. I was causing myself pain by living in all this uncertainty for the past month and a half and I couldn’t take it. I needed something to look forward too. I needed some hope.

Since day 1 I’ve always been honest with him. There was no reason for me not to be. I’ve been honest with my feelings and I didn’t hide them like I wish I did. I just couldn’t. It wasn’t me. So on this past date I told him how I was feeling, but most importantly I wanted to know how HE was feeling. Did he want some form of a relationship with me or not?

I wish I could tell all of you he does, but since I last spoke to him he doesn’t. I want to lie to all of you and tell you my fairytale beginning has a fairytale ending, but it doesn’t. He claims he likes me, but he does’t like me as much as I like him. Basically, he doesn’t like me enough to actually want to be “anything” with me.

But it honestly doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t feel hesitation in his kisses. I don’t feel regret when his hand is in mine. I don’t feel like he wants distance from me. He doesn’t act in a way I expect someone who doesn’t like someone to act. In a lot of ways he acts as if he’s really into me. Which leads me to believe that maybe he’s just scared.

Mo is the type of person who is terrified of being stuck anywhere too long. I think relationships scare him. I think the thought of being tied to someone is frightening. I also think he’s afraid of hurting people and he never wants to put himself in a position where he could be the bad guy. Because of all this though, I think he misses out on so much.

He says he also doesn’t want to be with me because he’s not 100% confident, he’s not 100% sure. But what I learned is that you’re never ready, it’s just your turn. I feel like he thinks he has to be in love before he could date someone.

All I ever truly wanted from him was to feel wanted. I wanted crazy. I wanted to feel loved and I wanted to be special. He told me he’s trying to feel the same for me that I feel for him, but I don’t want someone who has to try to like me. You either do or you don’t. You can’t force it.

I want someone to write me a poem. I want someone to text me randomly in the middle of the day and say, “Hey I can’t get you out of my head.” I want someone to show up on my doorstep and perform some grand gesture. Is that to unrealistic to want?

Mo thinks I’m crazy to think like this. He thinks things like a random text are corny and he dismisses them. If he only knew how much all these things meant to me. They might be silly, but to me they’re cute and romantic, and a sure way to my heart.

But the thought of doing them doesn’t cross his mind, and that’s what makes me think he doesn’t like me. When you like someone you want to talk to them. You want to know how their day is and you want to see them. I used to always excuse Mo’s lack of daily communication as just “him,” but I don’t think even he is excluded from the general principle. If you like someone you want to talk to them. To me that’s normal. But I could be wrong, and I admit that. Everyone IS different.

He also says he wouldn’t care if I dated other people. I’m sorry but if you like someone you shouldn’t want to see them with anyone else but yourself. He says he doesn’t want to take someone away from something that could make them happy, but he’s my happy, and he’s taking me away from it.

Mo told me he’s never had anyone do for him all I’ve done. He claims no one has ever been as persistent. I don’t see how everyone ISN’T trying to get at him. I did all I did for him because I would want someone to do all that for me. I would want someone to make ME feel that special.

But I think I scared him. I was insecure and I expressed my emotions too soon. I think we could have had something great and I was the one to ruin it. I was the problem.

I think if I would have been more relaxed and confident things would have turned out differently. But it’s so hard to be confident if you don’t know anything that is going through the other persons head. I didn’t know if he was talking to others. I didn’t know how he saw me. So I was left with an open imagination. An idle mind is the devils playground.

Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it’s him who has the issue and not me. It’s funny because he claims I’ve done everything right, but from my point of view it all feels so wrong.

I constantly kept trying and now I think I should stop. I should stop trying to find a reason to shoot him a text. I should stop making all the plans for our dates. I should stop reaching out, because honestly, there is nothing to grab. There is nothing to catch me when I fall.

So that’s what I told him. I told him I would only see him if he started making the effort. If he planned something I would go. He doesn’t believe that I’m going to stop trying. I think he thinks I can’t. Never underestimate me. And if he doesn’t make an effort, well then, everything is his loss and not mine.

We parted ways outside his house. He opened my car door, kissed me, and went back inside. I haven’t seen or heard from him since. It’s sad because during the course of all our dating I gave him a poem and a drawing, but I have nothing to hold onto that reminds me of him. All I have is my jacket which I always conveniently left in his room so I had a reason to go back, but this time, this time I took it. The only reminder I have of him now are the memories and fantasies in my head and a jacket that smells like his embrace.

A part of me wants a magical ending to my time with him. I want him to realize that he is a fool for not wanting to be with me, and that he misses me. I want him to call me or show up at my house and say he’s sorry, that he made a mistake, and that with the time away he realizes how much he actually likes me. But I can’t wait for him, and this hope isn’t good for me. Love Is not a movie. It’s not a fairytale.

I don’t think my story with him is officially over, but as of now, it looks like it won’t be going in the direction we were all rooting for. However my story with him ends, I could be friends with him. He’s a great guy and I would be stupid not to be his friend.

I also really hope that one day someone makes HIM crazy. I hope that one day he falls in love and wants nothing more in the world than to be with that someone. I told him that.

“And then you want them to break my heart?” he responded.

“Nope. I want it all to work out for you. I want you to be happy.” I said

It’s true. I want the best for him, just like I wanted the best for Scott. It just makes me sad I won’t be the one who is making him crazy. I won’t be the one who makes him happy.

I don’t want you all to think I’m impatient. I could wait for him, but will he ever actually truly come around? I wish I knew what he wanted, but I simply don’t.

Life moves on and there are other boys out there. I’m only 21 and I have plenty of time to fall in love. See, Mo couldn’t promise me we’d be together and he couldn’t promise me in time we wouldn’t. I’m just not sure I should take that gamble.

Also, when I mention the word love I use it to encompass all romantic feelings. I was not in love with Mo. I did really like him, but it wasn’t love. Do I think I could love him? Of course, but that would come with time.

Just because things haven’t worked out with him doesn’t mean they’re not going to work out with someone else. Mo may have ignited my passion for love again with his presence, but his absence doesn’t extinguish it. If anything, I learned so much from this experience with him and I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret anything I’ve done in life. How do you learn if you never make a mistake?

But let me extend this out to all of you. What do YOU think I should do, or what I should have done. Am I at fault here or is it him? Or are none of us wrong. Are BOTH of us wrong? See I honestly don’t know what to do in these type of situations. No one prepares you for this. Movies and books tell you it’s magic and it will ALWAYS work out. But in the real world I’m lost without a map. Maybe him and I were just too different. I was always willing to meet halfway. I just think he wasn’t.

I do believe, however, If I’m supposed to be with Mo it will work out. Maybe not now, but one day. However, I just can’t put my life on hold for “one day,” and I won’t shut out someone wonderful because I’m clinging onto a fantasy. If he does come around, I hope he’s not too late.

I talked about how love isn’t like a fairytale and that’s not true. It can be. With Mo I started to stop believing in it. He was reality, and if reality gave me him, I would of sacrificed all I believed about love. HE wasn’t my fairytale, but that doesn’t mean that someone out there isn’t. I think when it’s all meant it will feel like a movie. It will feel like a book.

I didn’t want to write this update. I wanted to live in my first post, but I knew I had to continue the story. I had to write more and I had to write the truth. I do wish things worked out differently. I wish that for once someone I was falling for would fall for me. But this was a repeat story. Just new characters and a new lesson to be learned, but oddly enough, this time, I feel peace.

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit their and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”

-Perks of Being a Wallflower.

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